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Fat Cat News: December 2009

So, I guess it’s Christmas or something again. As usual, the Fat Cat is here to take care of all your festive needs. Firstly, there’s still time to order your Christmas/New Year tappit or polypin.  In addition to this, we are now offering Fat Cat presentation gift boxes, containing a Fat Cat glass, and two Fat Cat bottles for eight pounds. It’s an ideal present for friends, family, colleagues: basically anyone who likes boxes. The Fat Cat branded glasses are also available separately, for people who don’t like boxes, but do like glasses.

Also, the crazy kids behind the bar have set up their own twitter feed, which you can find here. This will be regularly updated with the goings-on at the Cat, together with whatever the burning issues are with the barstaff at that moment. So if you’re into your tweeting, please follow us, although it should be made clear that the opinions of the staff may differ from the official views held by Fat Cat Inns Ltd. In fact allowing the staff to have opinions at all is part of a new Glasnost-like policy that is bound to end in disaster. Just ask Gorbachev.

Oh, and the Cat Crew would like to pass on their congratulations to Rage Against The Machine on their Christmas Number One. Apart from Colin, who being part of the ruling elite went for the X-Factor lad. A stunning, and rare victory for the workers, then.

Also, it has come to our attention that some of our subscribers may not be receiving our emails notifying them of new updates. If you’ve subscribed, and are not getting the emails, please check your junk folder, and add us to your list of contacts to avoid the emails being marked as spam. Of course, if you don’t want to receive them anymore, please reply to the email telling us such, and we’ll remove your name immediately. Which will leave you more time to talk to the goblins and stay one step ahead of the lizard assassins, you lunatic.

Anyway, I’d love to stay and ramble on in my usual fashion, but there’s a lot of beer to be poured. I’ll be back after the festive season to tell, and complain about how it all went.


Fat Cat News: November 2009

It’s been another eventful month at the Fat Cat. The Norwich Beer Festival has been and gone, bringing with it the usual array of fussy bastards discerning customers, and filling every corner of the pub with bearded gentlemen clinging on to their commemorative pint glasses like Gollum with his precious. At the beer festival itself, we were proud to see Fat Cat Wild Cat win the Gold Medal in the Strong Bitter category. Interesting fact: there is, in fact, no Gold Medal. They just use those words to make it sound more important. I was expecting something like the end of Star Wars, with ranks of CAMRA members with their little beer notebooks standing to salute as Princess Leia awards us our gold medals to the raptures of the crowd. It was going to be awesome. Big Chris was going to be Chewie.

Colin’s returned from Thailand, and is keen to resume the pursuit of excellence in client-focused beverage-based retail bartender-consumer partnerships. Scottish Chris has returned from a weekend in exotic Aberdeen, where he not only saw Aberdeen win a football match, but also some sunshine: proving, if ever there were any doubt, that he lives a charmed life.

Young Miss Moles has finally left these shores for New Zealand. If you want to enter the sweepstake on the reason for her doubtless forthcoming deportation from New Zealand, the only options left to take are ‘contravening the terms of the Geneva Convention’, ‘ovine sexual harassment’, and ‘inciting a cider-fuelled riot’. All pretty likely, I’m sure you’d agree. While you’re placing your bet, why not offer your condolences to Willy Moles while you’re here, who’s been inconsolable ever since his daughter’s left. Literally inconsolable, as you’ll doubtless appreciate if you’ve ever tried consoling someone who’s running laps of the pub while whooping with joy.

One thing that I probably should have mentioned earlier is that the Fat Cat is now open until midnight on Thursdays. This is partly in order to offer our customers the opportunity to enjoy our services for an extra hour, but mainly because getting too much sleep and relaxation was turning me in to a dissolute louche. So turn up, buy lots of beer and make lots of noise, and save my sinful soul.

I can also exclusively reveal that there will be a new addition to the Fat Cat’s seasonal offerings, providing the ideal Christmas present for the whole family. Well, except the under-18s, the gluten intolerant, and your recovering alcoholic auntie with the wandering hands. I can’t reveal any more than that, for fear that pre-release speculative dealing on our limited stocks would create a unsustainable bubble in the markets which our still-reeling financial system is ill-equipped to cope with. Rest assured, though:  further information will be pumped in to your fact-canals at an appropriate juncture.

Finally, some further changes are to be made to the website over the next few weeks. Exact details are currently not available to my lowly pay-grade, but I gather that the changes are necessary to ensure effective bi-directional information interchange between us and our valued customers in a manner becoming to a blue-sky thinking business enterprise of the 21st Century. From what I can gather, it’s going to be a bit like ‘2 girls, 1 cup’, except with the client and server instead of the two girls, and information instead of faecal matter. And if you don’t know what ‘2 girls, 1 cup’ is, a) don’t google it, b) seriously, dude, it’s 2009, everyone knows what ‘2 girls, 1 cup’ is, and c) even though the whole world knows but you, still don’t google it.


Fat Cat News: October 2009

Yes, I know it's been a little while since the last update. Well I'm here now, aren't I? If you'd like a more immediate, interactive online Fat Cat experience, The Fat Cat Norwich page on Facebook has been a big success, breaking the 500 member mark last month. There's not a huge amount of discussion going on at the moment, so feel free to drop in and air your views, no matter how ill-informed and moronic. Despite its infancy, the Norwich Fat Cat page now dwarfs the other Fat Cats'. And it's spelt correctly. And it uses punctuation other than the exclamation mark.

Undoubtedly the biggest news of the month is that the Fat Cat has once again been bestowed with the Good Pub Guide's Beer Pub of the Year award. Colin appeared for a brief photoshoot and appearance on the news, before slinging it on the pile with the rest. You can read about it here. Thank you to all the customers who made this award possible. Because it really is you guys that make it what it is. In fact, you should stage a coup, string us lot up, and run it yourselves. The awards would come in even quicker, I'm sure. Seriously: we're just holding you back.

Brewery news: The Fat Cat Brewery was represented for the first time at the Great British Beer Festival at Earl's Court. This is apparently a big deal, since beers appear there by invitation only. Also, over the winter we'll be brewing Fat Cat Honey Porter. I really don't have anything funny to say about that, so feel free to arrange the release of endorphins in to your bloodstream through an alternative method to my razor-sharp wit. Keep it legal, though. Well, maybe a little illegal, but nothing frenzied. I draw the line at frenzied.

A series of test brews has also been passing through the Fat Cat, and customers have been asked to register their views on a series of feedback forms. Thank you for all of your constructive criticism. The forms have now been collated, averages totalled, handwriting analysed to check for multiple votes, and pattern analysis conducted to establish which test brew would most satisfy the largest number of customers. At least that's what we asked Russell to do. He came downstairs four hours later, turned his calculator upside-down to reveal the word 'boobless', grinned broadly and poured himself a Guinness. So I guess we'll just flip a coin or something.

Oh, and following a brief period of transition, Big Chris has handed over the last of his remaining shifts behind the bar and committed himself full-time to maintaining excellence at the Fat Cat Brewery. Now admit it, how many of you were expecting a full-stop after 'himself'? You should be ashamed of yourselves. He'll still be in-and-out though, so feel free to annoy him on his way past. I don't know why you take such pleasure in winding him up though. I'd imagine you all used to jab feral cats with sticks as children.

The delightful Miss Vicci (sic) Moles is off to New Zealand in five weeks' time, and she's giving up smoking in preparation, leading to a few cracks appearing in her sunny demeanour. We're all very proud, and scared of you, Miss Moles.

Fat Cat News May 2009

Okay, I might as well get the real news out of the way first: It's nearly time for our occasional revamp of our bottled beer menu. It'll retain all of the favourites from the old list, together with a few new surprises. Oh, and if you were one of the people who were trying to go through the list in numerical order, naturally you'll need to start again: and less of your dilly-dallying this time.

I also have a book launch to announce: now don't get excited, it's not my eagerly awaited translation of Wuthering Heights in to Lowland Scots - “Open the windae Heathcliff ya glaikit bastard, it's pure fuckin' baltic oot here!” - it's a book written by one of our customers and his friend, and it concerns beer. You can learn more about it here.

Oh, and the Fat Cat is now represented by its own page on Facebook. For those of you still communicating with your friends orally, like in some kind of Dickens novel, this means that Facebook members can register their appreciation of the Fat Cat through becoming a 'fan', which 186 people have done so far, bless 'em. Members can also discuss the latest goings-on at the Cat, or just sling insults at each other. If you'd like to join up, you can do so here.

Being the urbane sophisticates that you are, you probably can't imagine this; occasionally we get some real idiots for customers. So we've rounded up some of the stupidest questions that have been asked of us for your amusement. We did have some concerns that the customers concerned might read this and become angry, but after consideration, I think it's much more likely that they'll slump in blank-eyed, mouth-breathing shame. I can live with that. So:

Daft Questions that the Cat Crew have been asked:

Old man, after staring at the boards above the bar for at least five minutes:
'What's the difference between the Fat Cat Honey and the Fat Cat Website?'
'Well, it's difficult to know where to start, really...'

'Does this pub have an outside?'
'No sir, this is the world's only Möbius pub, formed from one continuous strip of bricks.'

Similarly:
'How do I get outside?'
'Well, do what you did to get inside, but backwards.'

'Pint of John Smith's Smooth, please.'
'I'm sorry, but we don't sell that here.'
(Shouting)'Pwft, I thought this was supposed to be a real ale pub!' *storms out*

Overheard by a young gentleman on his 'phone outside the Fat Cat:
'Yeah mate, I'm at the Fat Cat... Nah mate, it's shite... Well, it's not that bad really, but it's no Thetford.'

Barmaids can say some pretty daft things too. Luckily that they always have their grace, charm and callipygean physiques to fall back on during these brain malfunctions; a couple of instances that stick in my memory are:

Barmaid: <film> is a classic!
Me: What, like 'Gone with the Wind' classic?
Barmaid: It's funny you should say that, I watched that last night. That is the one with the rabbits, isn't it?
Me: No, that's Watership Down.
*Barmaid turns beetroot red*.

Barmaid, sweeping the floor: 'I'm parting the customers before me, like Moses did with the Red Sea. *furrows brow* Or was that Gandalf?'

Barmen, in addition to writing this column, never make embarrassing mistakes.

Fat Cat News April 2009: Addendum

Crap, I forgot, there is some real news. Fat Cat Wild Cat, available soon. It’s light, hoppy, 5.0% ABV; and if you don’t like it, you’re wronger than the dream I had last night. Nearly as wrong, at least. Oh , and  don't forget the Lakenham Hewett Beer Festival on Saturday 11th April.

Fat Cat News April 2009: Or How 80s Rock-Balladeers Journey Exploded My Head

My usual apologies for the infrequency of updates to this part of the website. This despite the rapidly growing number of subscribers to the page: I can't help but feel I've let you all down. But, as my mother was always ready to inform me: more than that, I've let myself down. I did find time to watch the final episode of ‘The Sopranos’, though, and I've had the song ‘Don't Stop Believin'’ by Journey in my head ever since. It's just constant. And it's driving me crazy. The doctor says there's nothing he can do, and I'm inching closer and closer to self-medicating with a shotgun.

Just a small town girl...

For those of you who have been eager to read the latest ‘news’, could I shamelessly self-promote my site Wikitards to you. It is consisted of me mocking idiots who have wondered on to the internet. My mother would be so proud. And I know I made a typo with ‘wondered’, but it really captured their wide-eyed, slack-jawed innocence, so I’m leaving it in. Anyway, Wikitards has rude words in it, so if you’re easily offended, don’t go. Or go, write me a strongly worded note, and I’ll mock that too.

...born and raised in South Detroit...

In order to guide our esteemed customers towards making the right choices in their lives, the Cat has found it necessary to refine the English language. Through the elimination of undesirable words from the language, undesirable thoughts will become impossible. The people of the future won't be able to think, 'I'll just stay in and have a quiet night in front of the telly', since the words to express such a notion will no longer exist. Try and order a Bacardi Breezer, and people will stare at you, thinking you're speaking in tongues. Trust me, citizens; it'll be double-plus good.

...He took the midnight train going anywhere...

However, the massive cull of the language of Shakespeare, Wordsworth and Minogue will leave a vacuum to be filled. Therefore, I give to you selected excerpts from the Fat Cat Mewspeak (and I know I get sarcastic about people making Cat puns, but that one was awesome) Dictionary.

Chris-Cross(vb.) – To talk about Norwich City’s recent defeat.

Colinade(n.) – A row of perfectly aligned bar stools.

Colinise(vb.) – To invade someone's personal space, rearrarange the bar towels and polish frantically around them; leaving them feeling violated and tidy.

Fatcatatonic state(n.) – The act of motionlessly staring up at a blackboard with your mouth slightly ajar for several minutes.

Moles-kin(n.) – Any scion of family Moles, working behind the bar at the Cat to fund their next evil plan world excursion.

Rioja and Roll(n.) – The wildly rhythmic battle-dance of the Glaswegian Landlady.

…paying anythin’ to roll the dice, just one more time…

Okay, so I appreciate that those were all just lame puns regarding the Fat Cat and its Crew. But I'm tired. You lot could do more to help. You're useless muses. It was raining the other day, you know. Iknow, because a couple of hundred people told me so. Walk in the door, walk up to bar, inform the bartender that it's raining. The pub has windows. I can see any kind of precipitation, and reasonably accurately gauge its severity. Then it's all “Run up the stairs, qwerty-whore, and do me a news”. There's no news. So excuse me if my words are laboured and mundane, but a lifetime of having the bloody obvious pointed out to me and the small town girls and the strangers walking up and down the boulevard and the constant bloody exc—

…Don't stop—

1st December 2008

Just a quick note to let all Fat Cat fans know that the Evening News has an article about our very own Colin Keatley. You can find it at their website here.

5^th November 2008

First things first: there's a note on the desk here asking me to give you a link to Pork Pie News. What's it like? Well, I don't know, since my interest in pork pies barely extends to eating them, and I'm a long way short of wanting to read about them. Still, you lot go ahead and knock yourselves out, y' crazy kids. I'll wait here.

All done? Well, you look like you've had a lot of fun. Without wishing to overstimulate you, I'd also like to inform you that Fat Cat Marmalade won second prize in the speciality beer category at the Norwich Beer Festival, to go with its third prize in the Strong Beer Category in 2006. Its ability to transcend categories while getting superb results is beaten only by Stanley Kubrick, or maybe Vaseline.

You may also have heard that Big Chris has been made Brewery Manager. Don't worry though, he'll still be putting in appearances behind the bar. Furthermore, I'll keep you posted on details of when he'll be running his first piss-up there. You know, just to prove the doubters wrong.

Several months ago, a message was added to the 'Pictures' section of this very website, asking people to send in photographs of themselves wearing Fat Cat T-shirts in unusual locations. Since then, your responses have been filling up our inbox like Chinese water torture, to the extent that we now have five responses (featuring no less than three separate individuals), so it seemed like the time to launch the Fat Cat T-shirt Gallery. I apologise for it not synchronising with the expected look-and-feel of your favourite interweb information portal, but it was somewhat of a rush job. By someone with the design skills of a kitten whose paws have been dipped in paint, and left to play with a ball of string on a canvas.

Do you know what annoys me most about this page of the website? Apart from people asking me to write it, it's probably that it reminds me of the text on the side of smoothie cartons. You know, the fluff that implies that the anthropomorphic liquid container is not just there to, well, contain; it's also there to be your best friend. “Nah, mate, I'm not some corporate marketing paradigm: I'm Dave down the pub. And while we mainly just meet up to have a bit of a laugh, it just so happens that I produce several million hectolitres of fruit smoothie. And I wouldn't be much of a mate if I didn't sell you a litre for £3.29, now would I?”

What really annoys me is that even Tesco are doing it now. It's like watching your dad dance and lip-synch to the latest hit by the Ting Tings. No, I'm going to start my own smoothie company, and it will produce 'Corporate Fruit-Mulch #34', and there'll be black-and-white pictures on the box of children playing swingball in starched uniforms, with emotionless expressions on their faces. Ironic Generation-X types will lap it up, mark my words...

P.S. Colin has asked me to remind you all that tappits and polypins are available to order now for the Christmas period. You know it makes sense.

3^rd September 2008

Normally, as I don't doubt you can imagine, the responses I get to this news page range from letters of appreciation to offers of marriage. However, one lone voice of discontent could be heard in the vast forest of admiration. The voice of Russell Dean Waterton. You see, while Russell enjoyed the content that was provided, he was shocked, saddened and disappointed to find that he wasn't mentioned in it once. To correct this grievous oversight, I give you:

Several Things You Did Not Know About Russell

Russell's favourite question is 'What's the world's biggest fish?'

Russell really likes spare ribs.

Russell's favourite drink to consume is Guinness, but his favourite drink to say is Piña Colada.

Russell recently bought a fridge-freezer.

Russell knows a lot about guinea pigs.

Big Chris has asked me to add: Russell has a big nose. Thanks, Chris.

Anyhow, on to even more important matters: pork pies. As you may have noticed, there has been a period of transition in this department.  I would like to take the opportunity to thank the majority of you who handled this crisis with maturity and dignity, and warn the few of you who have banded together in to pro-pork pie terrorist cells that the Fat Cat Political Commissariat is monitoring your communications, and your insubordination will be made known to the Glorious Leader. Furthermore, those of you who have remained loyal are invited to register your opinions on our new pies. So long as your views are positive. This isn't a democracy, and we put the negative-nancies in the same place as the terrorists.

The new Fat Cat bottled beer list is now available. Most of the old favourites have remained, but some that were perennially out of stock with our supplier have been removed, along with a couple of other ne'er do wells. This makes room for several new beers, focused in two new regions for us: the Netherlands and Corsica. I haven't tried them yet, so all I can tell you is that trying to order one of the Dutch ones will teach you that whoever invented the Dutch language had a sense of humour. Or, more likely, lots and lots of drugs.

News may have reached some of the big-city types among our customers of some sort of economic downturn on the horizon. I think that it's important to remember that the main catalyst for recession is consumer pessimism, and the best cure for pessimism is consuming beer. We would therefore encourage all readers to increase their beer intake, for Britain's sake and for Her Majesty's sake. When enough beer has been consumed to initiate economic recovery, a series of beacons will be lit, across the coast, informing true patriots that their job is done, and may return to drinking at pre-crisis levels.

Oh, and Mollie's leaving. She's off to London, so if any of you want her to bring you back any souvenirs from the big city, like models of double decker buses, or Union Jack hats, let her know and she can bring them back at Christmas. That way, there's no need for you to go there yourself, and you can stay here, where you belong (sinister music plays as camera pans out of the Fat Cat...)

12^th June 2008

Well, for once I'm not opening this news article with an apology for not having updated the page recently. Colin has humbly submitted to the whims of the baying horde(you know who you are, baying horde...), and asked me to update this site more regularly. Yes, after literally several of you complained about the infrequency of updates, I've been asked to spend more time on the computer. I expect this situation to continue until several of you complain that you're not getting served quickly enough, when I shall be returned downstairs. Then when you're all missing your news updates again, I'll be asked to work on cloning myself to do both. Then when that gets out of hand, I'll surely be asked to work on some Myxomatosis variant to control my own population. So when you discover dozens of me twitching on the pavement, will you finally be happy? Will you?

Ahem. Please remember that you can catch all the Euro 2008 games at the Fat Cat. Unless you're still sulking because England's failure to qualify has robbed you of a team to support during the tournament. If this is the case, then please spare a thought for Scottish Chris and Marjie – it's robbed them of fifteen.

If we could glimpse at the history text books of the future, I would imagine Colin Keatley would be seen as a pioneer: a man who gave the people what they wanted. Perhaps sort of a Henry Ford of the drinking world, minus the race-hate and big hats. In order to maintain his future reputation, he continues to rain down fresh beer-manna from above. First of all, there's the addition of another four keg pumps behind the bar, which also reduces the likelihood that you'll have to undergo the trauma of seeing the whole of one of our bartenders' faces at any one time, as it's getting a bit crowded.

This has allowed us to provide several new beers for you, including a new blonde, another German wheat beer, and several new fruit beers. Come in and see for yourself. Our new bottled beer list should be up and running in the next couple of weeks also. It's more of a subtle re-jig rather than a full overhaul, but it should ensure that we are able to stock the entire list reliably.

Incidentally, you may have seen that our very own Big Chris is mentioned in the new edition of 'Norfolk Nips', which recommends that after you've watched Norwich City lose, you come in and tell Chris all about it. Which is akin to recommending that you go find a grizzly bear and kick it in the nuts. If Norwich lost, then please, please trust me, Chris already knows all about it.

19^th May 2008

Apologies for the lack of communication of late: providing client-centred beverage solutions through a dynamic team-focused approach is tiring work. As is hiding out back, using the empty barrels to play human Donkey Kong. In any case, you shall soon have all the Fat Cat information your bleeding eyeballs can take, if our marketing division have their way. Already having hired Charley from the '70s public information films “Charley Says”, they've been in discussion with our advertising agency, Maangi & Maangi, who came up with the following TV ad:

BOY and CHARLEY sit at the local park, kicking their heels in the ground. BOY is now a dishevelled middle-aged man, whereas CHARLEY seems suspiciously unchanged by time.

Boy: I'm bored...

Charley: (Indecipherable manic cat noise)

Boy: Charley says, when you're bored, you should drink lots of Fat Cat beer, and then things won't seem so boring any more. And something about not getting in cars with strangers. But mainly the beer thing.

Camera pans up to sky, revealing a bright blue sky across which a solitary cloud drifts. Camera then pans back down to reveal Boy and Charley surrounded by empty Fat Cat bottles. Charley is urinating against a fence. A car pulls up.

Stranger: Do you want to see my puppies?

Boy: Sure! (Staggers to car's passenger seat)

As the car is about to set off, the inside of the windscreen is covered by a wall of vomit. Boy is thrown out of the car, Boy and Charley roll on the floor laughing. Strapline appears at bottom of screen - “Fat Cat Beer: renders you unattractive to sexual predators.”, “Please drink responsibly”.

Unfortunately, due to unreasonable backstage demands from our star, who ain't called “Charley” for nothing, we are unable to afford to shoot the advert, so if you could just imagine it once a day, and then steadily increase the frequency until you find yourself drinking 16% more beer at the Fat Cat, our sales department would be grateful.

Commiserations to Russell this week, since his beloved Watford have failed to make the Premiership. There's a great deal of curiosity over how many times he can hear the phrase 'well there's always next season' before he punches someone. Ask about the sweepstake at the bar. Scottish Chris would also like to offer his condolences to Rangers on losing their UEFA Cup final to Zenit St. Petersburg. It's hard to take him seriously when he's wearing that big, furry Russian hat though.

Talking of Scottish Chris, ever since Grand Theft Auto IV came out, he's been wandering around with a murderer's guilt in his eyes, like a modern-day Raskolnikov. Since we don't have a Russian gulag to send him to, we'll have to make do with sending him to an Aberdeen home game in the hope he finds redemption. Not particularly likely, I'll admit, but the (very) fresh air should do him good.

Also, keep your eye out for some new bottled beers from around the world, to replace those that have proved difficult to obtain. And congratulations to Floss and Mick on the birth of baby Francesca.

Incidentally, Big Chris makes an excellent Donkey Kong. If you make him angry enough, he actually appears to be constructed from giant pixels.

 
13^th March 2008

Well, here I am again to report on all the latest goings on at the Fat Cat. Of course, I wouldn't be here to do so if the American TV networks weren't so blind that they can't see TV ratings gold when its script is slammed down confidently on to their desks. I mean, who wouldn't watch 'CSI: Bodger and Badger'? I can't think of anyone. So, instead of entertaining hopeful Hollywood starlets in my mashed-potato mansion, I'm stuck in Norwich during March, with everyone telling me about the bitterly cold wind outside, and coughing, spluttering and sneezing at me. It's like living with the Brontës, except that they had the decency to follow through on all the incessant throat-clearing and die. (Note from Fat Cat Powers-that-Be: We wish to disassociate ourselves from the remarks of our keyboard-monkey. Under no circumstances does the Fat Cat recommend dying, until theologians and philosophers can confirm that the smooth, creamy taste of Fat Cat Bitter is available in the afterlife. Once confirmation has been obtained, Colin will lace the punchbowl, and we can all go out together).

Oh, and to the lady who complained that there was a lack of actual news in our news pages, I say this: the Fat Cat is a pub. People come in, drink beer, then go away again. There are no famines or wars; no botched elections, royal scandals or nationalised banks; no tsunamis, earthquakes or volcano eruptions; and no murders, kidnappings or bank heists. Okay: I'll concede that there was one earthquake, but I really feel that was sufficiently covered elsewhere in the media. So the only advice I can give you is this: when the Derren Brown style mind-control I've so delicately planted over the past few years kicks in, and you're forced to visit this page – close your eyes. There you go: problem solved. Now if it's quite all right with you, I'll continue with the news in my traditional style; i.e. with all the relevance of a Kajagoogoo video retrospective on Betamax.

Yet another beer has joined the Fat Cat line-up: Fat Cat Porter. This dusky beauty clocks in at 5.2%, and has charmed all of the Cat Crew. Still, the Cat Crew are quite easily charmed – anything shiny normally does it, so you'd probably better come in and check for yourself. As for the taste, do you remember Ice Magic, the ice cream topping popular in the '80s, that hardened on contact with the ice cream? Well it's nothing like that. But it does produce a warm contentment, not dissimilar to the feeling of playing Space Invaders after eating a bowl of ravioli while it's raining outside.

Merinne's mother has been in touch to let me know that I may continue casting aspersions on the character of  her daughter, which is, of course, most welcome news. However, she also mentions the possibility of a visit from the pair of them, which is terrifying news for those of us who've only just started sleeping the whole night through again after last time. Therefore the Fat Cat Defence Committee will be meeting to discuss possible counter-measures, and a whip-round will be held to raise the money required to employ our resident electricians, Keith and Karl, to build a giant electrified fence to protect the innocence of our barmen and customers.

With St. Patrick's day coming up, we've got a range of Irish beers available for anyone who wishes to celebrate the day with the traditional period of quiet contemplation. For the full list, please look over here. Ha, made you look. It's actually over here.

26^th December 2007

Merry Christmas to one and all! I sincerely hope that all of you enjoyed Christmas thoroughly. A brief reminder to all our readers that the Fat Cat is closed on New Year's Eve, so that our crack team of doctors and physiotherapists can try to patch up the Cat Crew well enough to last out another year, before spending the evening in quiet meditation, seeking the wisdom and grace to be able to perform their jobs with the commitment and fervour that you would expect. So if you see any of them out, vomiting in the gutter, or trying to fight a telegraph pole, it is clearly some kind of optical illusion.

Merinne's mother was kind enough to visit me recently, and ask that now her daughter no longer works here, if I might possibly stop casting aspersions over her good name over the internet. Sometimes, trapped here in the icy glow of a LCD screen, it can be easy to forget that words can have consequences. So I can only apologise, and promise never to besmirch the good name of the trash-talking, heart-breaking sexual dynamo that is Merinne, ever again. Starting now.

It is my immense pleasure to announce the availability of a new Fat Cat Beer. As I stand on the threshold of history, with no fear of hyperbole, I am reminded of the iconic footage of Walter Cronkite announcing, clearly shaken, the assassination of President Kennedy. So I would ask you to take a moment to take in your surroundings, and to commit to memory this moment, so that in years to come, you can relate to your spellbound grandchildren, in hushed tones: "I was there...". So with no further gilding of this malt-based lily, I give to you... Fat Cat IPA.

Boasting an ABV of 7.0 per cent, Fat Cat IPA is clearly the enfant terrible of the Fat Cat stable. Strutting about with the confidence of a true thoroughbred, consuming grain from the feed-bag of excellence, and sporting the horseshoes of greatness, Fat Cat IPA is truly a winner. IPA stands for India Pale Ale, and one of the questions we are most commonly asked here is: why is it called India Pale Ale? So to clear up this issue once and for all, and to satisfy the people who have asked for more facts in our news statements, and less lunatic ramblings, I give you the story of IPA. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

On the sixth of January, 1899, George Nathaniel Curzon became Governor-General of India. Upon arriving in his new Dominion, Lord Curzon was bewitched by his surroundings. The bright colours of the local fabrics contrasted beautifully with the dreary Victorian prudishness of nineteenth Century London. The smell of cumin hung in the air like an olfactory shower curtain. At that moment Lord Curzon resolved to spend the rest of his life bringing the sensory nirvana of India to the good, hard-working folk of England.

Several months in to his new position, he began to hear, in whispers, of a secret sect known as 'The Guardians of Shiva'. Upon discovering that one of his servants belonged to this sect, he followed him, in the dead of night, to their secret cave.

The great, imperial Lord Curzon was as a teenager, sneaking home after breaking curfew. Deeper in to the cave system he went, before coming to a chamber lined with the finest silks. Upon a magnificent golden throne, sat a wizened old man. Choosing this moment to draw back the shades of deceit, he announced himself:

"I am Lord Curzon, Imperial Leader of the British Raj. I come to demand fealty."

The wizened old man smiled, and the sect members in the room burst in to laughter.

"I am Kokradi, leader of the Guardians of Shiva, and I give fealty to no man. Yet, as temporal overseer of the great nation of India, I welcome you in to our bosom."

Lord Curzon was silenced by Kokradi's stateliness, and felt naked in the presence of a man whose natural authority exceeded that which was afforded by the entire might of the British Empire. Kokradi extended his hand, and led Lord Curzon further in to the cave system.

After what seemed like eternity, the pair emerged in a cavern which encompassed a lake.

"We have reached our final destination.", Kokradi stated, "How do you feel?"

After pausing for a moment, Lord Curzon replied, "Disappointed".

"Explain."

"Why, in England, underwater lakes are ten-a-penny. I myself spent many youhful hours gambolling in the pot-holes of Yorkshire,"

"Ah but you have not yet tasted the elixir, from what we call 'The Black Hole of Calcutta.' With that, Kokradi produced a beautiful golden cup, and dipped it in to the lake.

Upon taking the cup, Lord Curzon brought the draught to his lips, and tasted a liquid to which the closest modern analogue is Chocolate Nesquik, without the sour aftertaste of baby-killing. At once, his actions were made clear.

"In the name of Queen Victoria, I claim this liquid for the British Empire."

Kokradi's disappointment was clear, but he replied:

"So be it. But hear ye now, this decision will sound the death-knell of the British Empire, which in a mere Century's time, will be but dust."

Ignoring Kakoradi's warning, upon returning from the caverns, Lord Curzon commissioned a trans-continental underground canal, through which the mysterious dark liquid would be transported to England. His preeminence in the hierarchy of Britain's magnificent empire would be confirmed.

One last twist in the tale remains, however. As the liquid was transported to England, it was watered down by the tears of the Guardians of Shiva, lamenting the loss of their glorious beverage. As the tears diluted the drink, they rendered it pale and bitter. However, this new beverage went down a storm with the humble folk of pastoral England. IPA fever soon gripped the country.

Of course, the tears of the Guardians of Shiva are not available to us here at Fat Cat Towers, so Ray Ashworth has come up with an alternative solution. In a soon-to-be patented design, we sit several orphans in a trough, and show them 'Watership Down'. With the resultant residue, we bring to you the marvel that is Fat Cat IPA. Taste the history.

17th October 2007

I apologise for the lack of updates on this site recently; we've been using the unbridled power of the Fat Cat mainframe to animate Kelly Le Brock and bend her to our, ahem, whim. The good news is, after many episodes of hijinks with hilarious consequences, Kelly gave our management team the confidence to go out and talk to real girls. So we feel it was all worth it: the ‘real girls’ in question may disagree. Anyways, we're ready to update you on the latest goings on at the ol' Fat Cat.

Firstly, our readers will be surprised to learn that the Fat Cat continues to be showered with awards. First up is the Good Pub Guide 2008, which has named us ‘Beer Pub of the Year’. Bad news if a Piňa Colada is your tipple of choice (sorry, Russell), but good news for the rest of us. Not to be outdone, ‘Loaded’ magazine has named us ‘Boozer of the Year’. So pick up a copy and see a picture of Big Chris. Or if that doesn’t do it for you, take a look at the advert at the bottom of page 153. The human race is a funny thing.

After such good news, unfortunately the bad must follow. Cara has left us after three years to move to some job that involves the wind and saving the planet. I’m imagining some kind of mystical coven that operates unseen by the rest of the world to protect us from dark forces. That’s what I’m expecting, but only because years of boring and tedious experience have, so far, failed to teach me to expect the prosaic.

Merinne continues her conquest of the north, from what we hear. What was once a simple and innocent land of Hovis adverts and pies is now an orgiastic moral wasteland, filled with people whose young eyes have already seen far too much. Come back soon, Merinne, Norfolk’s far less filthy without you.

“I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I am sure, could walk on a cloud without coming through.” Jules Verne wrote that, a very wise man indeed. So wise in fact, that one of his works has been parodied and paid homage to many times. ‘Around the World in Eighty Days’ gave us ‘Around the World with Michael Palin’, the Phileas Fogg snack empire, and younger readers may recall ‘Around the World with Willy Fogg’. Now adding to, and frankly dwarfing that list, is the Fat Cat’s ‘Around the World in Eighty Beers’. It’s our new bottled beer list, it does exactly what it says on the tin, and it’s coming soon.

The big news from the Fat Cat Brewery is that a new beer, cheekily entitled 'Where's the Cat?' is close to production. 'Where's the Cat?' may seem an obscure name for a beer, but it is a deep and philosophical question, the answer to which is that the Cat resides within us all: chasing after the ball of twine which is freedom, and falling off the sofa which is the true path of righteousness.

Regardless of the true meaning of the beer's name, naturally we've been frenzied in to a state of wild excess by the news. Initially, we were going to party like it's 1999, but beer is a lot more expensive than it was then, and what with the current uncertainty surrounding the Middle East, we couldn't find it in us to recreate those dizzy, optimistic days. So we decided to party like it's 1979, but we couldn't get enough Space-hoppers and Babycham: so we settled on partying like it's 2029, by pretending the cellar was a nuclear shelter, drinking condensed milk and all speaking Welsh.

July 26th 2007

Well, once more the time has come for me to regurgitate newsfacts in to the eager mouths of my interweb chicks. I’ll get the bad news out of the way first: after three years of faithful service, the delightful Merinne is leaving the Cat Crew for the glamour and excitement of ‘Up North’. Her dignity and grace were an inspiration to us all, as were her fine range of knob jokes. She was last seen on her leaving night clutching a traffic cone and cussing at a badger. Awhhh.

As some of you may have heard, smoking is no longer permitted in public places, including the Fat Cat. Opinions have been sharply divided on this issue, but like it or not, it’s certainly made a change to the atmosphere. So why not come in for a beer, and find out what each other smell like.  Rainbows and kittens is my bet.

Mr. Moles has been working through the night, scrubbing the walls and sanding the tables, abetted by Will Keatley, no less, to give the pub a bit of a scrub up. Because, and you’re probably not aware of this, Colin does like to have a bit of a clean up now and again.

Also in the next couple of months, we’re going to be changing our ‘Beers of the World’. We’ll be open to suggestions, so if you can remember the name of that cheeky little lager you sampled on your Patagonian estate, or the divine stout you quaffed on the Mongolian steppes, let us know, and we’ll try and get it for you. Or keep your opinions to yourself, and we'll just pick any that sound like rude words.

The Fat Cat Brewery website is up and running now here. Check it out for a hard-hitting warts-and-all interview with Ray Ashworth. Honestly, it’s like Heat magazine. Only without the undercurrent of pure evil. So maybe a bit more like Newsnight. Although Paxman probably wouldn’t have asked, ‘So, Ray, why are all your beers so bloody fantastic?’ Still, whatever it's like, we  await the Pulitzer Prize with our customary demure modesty.

May 10th 2007

Good news for Fat Cat Brewery fans, there's a new cat in the alley! 'Meow Mild' comes in at 4.3%, and is packed full of flavour, so feel free to come down and try it. Once your ears have recovered from the screech of the barrel being scraped for cat-themed beer names, you'll be able to enjoy it for the taste sensation that it is. A word of warning though, its supply is limited, and running out fast.

Many of our regulars will be sad to hear that the Fat Cat failed at the final hurdle in the race to host Britain's first super casino. All was proceeding well until the Fat Cat management team were asked to summarise their plans, who then told the board that they were planning to 'do a lot of craps', and then continued to laugh uncontrollably amongst themselves for the remaining 20 minutes of the presentation.

I'm sure all Fat Cat regulars will agree that Colin has been in serious need of a holiday after several weeks of hard labour. Well, fear not, he has reluctantly conceded and jetted off to Thailand once again. However, during this period Big Chris has also booked himself off, leaving a skeleton management team of Russell, Marjie and Scottish Chris. We fully expect that by the time of Colin's return, the Cat Crew will have divided in to two tribes, and after an initial period of conflict over territory, they will commence trading with one another using a rudimentary currency system based on bottle caps. So feel free to come in and enjoy the birth of civilisation over a pint or two.

Before Colin left, he did ask me to remind the web community that 34 pint polypins of Fat Cat Best are available for only 55 pounds. I know what you're thinking: at that price, he must mean Cypriot pounds. No, reader, that's 55 pounds sterling. So, after you've picked yourself up off the floor and arranged your party, just give us a call or email, and let us know when you can pick it up, and whether you want it bright or live. And if you can't decide if you want your Fat Cat live or not, why not try our new Schrödinger's Polypin.

Oh, and to the reader who complained that I'd ruined the plot of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes for them last month: I left you a 35 year wide window of opportunity to see it yourself, and you blew it. And by the way: Darth Vader is Luke's father, that's Mr. Rochester's mad wife making all that racket in the loft, and 'Rosebud' was the name of his damned stupid sledge. Any more complaints, and next month I'll be back to let you know who killed Laura Palmer.

April 6th 2007

It's been a while since our last news update, so I'm sure you're keen to avoid any shilly-shallying – I'll get straight to the Headlines. BONG!

As the Fat Cat Brewery becomes established in the hearts and minds of Norfolk's citizenry, we have had to decide how best to communicate with its customers. After a brief and disastrous experiment with spreading our message through the medium of dance, The Fat Cat Brewery website should be up and running very soon. Ever keen to retain his employment, our web creator is clearly lining himself up for a commission creating a third website, which will have the sole objective of locating, identifying and returning your socks after the first two have blown them clean off – www.findmysocksuhtmllegend.co.uk

Russell's back! Before you rush your daughters in to their priest-holes, this time he's accompanied by his young ladyfriend Malee. Apparently his trip was as exciting and action-packed as a feature length episode of “Juliet Bravo”, but to find out all about it, you'll have to come in and see him, as being a backwards sort of fella, he hasn't even got a video blog. Marjie has also returned from an urgent fact-finding trip to Spain, and is now urgently trying to remember the facts she found.

If there's one thing we hate here at the Cat, it's intolerance. So much so that when Colin was a young firebrand, he once led a revolt of monkeys that were being subjugated as slaves to ultimate victory over the human race. Now I come to think of it, that's not something Colin did, it's the plot of “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes”. But you get the idea. One type of intolerance we are open to, however, is gluten intolerance, with a range of two gluten-free bottled beers, and we're about to add a guest gluten-free beer 'Against the Grain'. So if you suffer from gluten intolerance (or Coeliac disease or Dermatitis Herpetiformis, fact hunters) get straight down here and drink your gluten worries away. Incidentally, please be careful when calling people fact hunters.

Scottish Chris and Russell have already booked their train tickets to Manchester for the 2007-08 UEFA Cup Final, which will be contested between Watford and Aberdeen, so long as both teams can navigate a few easy fixtures, starting with Watford's formality against Manchester United in the FA Cup semi-final on Saturday.

February 14th 2007

Well, since it's been a while since the last news article here, I suppose I'd best attempt to fill your fact mugs full of lovely, foaming news, poured on gravity from the barrel of truth. Firstly, for those who don't know, the smoking ban comes in to effect on July 1st. For those who do know, the smoking ban also comes in to effect on July 1st, but you already knew that. Needless to say, we are currently looking in to a number of proposals to make our smokers comfortable in an outside area; we'll keep you informed as decisions are made.

Our Glorious Leader has set off for one of his regular excursions to Thailand, and in just over two weeks Russell will be flying out there to grasp the holiday baton (definitely a metaphor, so don't get excited.) What they both see in the place is beyond me; I suppose the beer must be of a particularly high standard or something.

Congratulations to Norwich City for overcoming Blackpool on Tuesday, and good luck to them against Chelsea. Good Luck also to Russell's own Watford, who are playing some third-rate team or another.

Just a reminder that Fat Cat Marmalade and Fat Cat Spicy Stout are still available in bottles for the bargain price of £2.60 each (+20p bottle deposit). They're perfect as a gift for that special occasion; or to share with friends with some tapas and experimental jazz; or maybe just for yourself after a hard day's work, a little treat that simply says 'thank you for being you'. “The Fat Cat – making regular folk feel special since 1991”. Thanks, and look after yourselves.

December 3rd 2006

Welcome once again to the Fat Cat's news pages. I'm sure you're aware of the reputation this website has for providing incisive, cutting edge commentary on the events of today (or the puerile humour of a particularly dim-witted ten-year old boy, depending on your point of view).  What is particularly touching for us is the number of you who regularly read our red-eyed ramblings. In November, for the first time, the Fat Cat website passed the 100,000 hits a month mark. Yes, 100,000. So please tell your friends, and your enemies to visit, so we can experience a brief moment of acceptance in this 21st Century post-modern world of alienation and drudgery. And if there's anything you'd like to see on the website, bearing in mind that there are some things we just can't persuade barmaids to do, please let us know(barmen will, of course, do just about anything for attention).

To run our vast internet empire, naturally we require the computing power of Choc-o-Bloc and Dr. Theopolis combined. This means that when our computers are idle, huge amounts of processing power remain unused. Upon deciding to utilise this power, we debated at length whether to use it for good or evil. After a great deal of thought, and a decidedly hung jury, we plumped for the former. Our spare processor cycles are to be used by Stanford University for their folding@home project, to help the study of numerous diseases. If you'd like to join in, please visit here >>, and download the software provided. If you'd like to join our team, please enter ID number 53193 in the box provided upon installing the software.

As we head in to the festive season, please make sure that you get your tappit or polypin order in as soon as possible. We'll be taking orders right up to the wire, but the sooner you place your order, the more likely it'll be that we can get you the beer you want, when you want. Also, if you're having a Christmas party, for the office or just for friends, please consider booking a table or a room to avoid disappointment. There's a photocopying shop next door if during the carousing you feel the need for a facsimile of any part of your anatomy.

November 13th 2006

Those of you who frequent our establishment at the weekends will doubtless be familar with the whirlwind that is Flash, our glass collector. What you may not be aware of is his double life as a published author. Under his nom de plume of 'Chris Farnell', Flash has written a book called 'Mark II'. So you can pick it up from your local bookseller or here >>, and find out if he writes better than he glass collects.  Unimaginable, but you never know.

November 2nd 2006

'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.' Dickens was talking about the time between the American revolution and the storming of the Bastille, but he could easily have been talking about the festive period which, for us, begins with the Norwich Beer Festival. Still, Fat Cat Marmalade has become 'the award winning Fat Cat Marmalade', after scooping third place in the Strong Bitter Category, so our warmest congratulations go out to everyone involved with the Fat Cat Brewery. Colin will be placing it in his burgeoning trophy room, in-between his cycling proficiency certificate and the place he's reserved for the surely forthcoming OBE for services to bar hygiene.

Also, our new bottled beers of the world are now available. The full list will be put on-line shortly, and contains some old favourites and some new surprises. Big Chris bravely stepped forward and agreed to try them all, so will be pleased to give you his views on them, before deciding that you're his best mate in the whole world and trying to pick a fight with a badger that only he can see.

But, reader, I can imagine what you're thinking. Whilst you enjoy the bottle format, the way the bright labels stand out against the plain brown bottle, the noise they make when you remove the lid etc., the award winning Fat Cat Marmalade has ruined you for all other beers. 'What is there out there for me?', I hear you cry, as you beat your fists against the ground while lightning illuminates an otherwise dark, moonless night. Well, in time for Christmas, there will be two Fat Cat beers available in bottles, the award winning Fat Cat Marmalade and the new Fat Cat Spicy Cat. So stop being so melodramatic.

Fat Cat Spicy Cat is available for you to try in cask format as we speak, but its development is still in a state of flux as we try to make a beer worthy of the stable that contains the award winning Fat Cat Marmalade. It's a dark spiced ale and warms your insides so well that if Napoleon had had access to it, his 1812 campaign in Russia, instead of trudging to a halt in the freezing winter, could have overthrown the Tsar's mighty empire. While that's only conjecture, given that this beer may have the power to change the geo-political balance, don't you think you should give it a try?

Colin has also asked me to remind you that Tappits and Polypins are available, and hugely popular during the festive period, so get your order in as soon as possible. Order forms are available at the bar. Feel free to buy a Fat Cat shirt, try to beg a couple of bar towels from Colin, and set up your very own Fat Cat in the comfort of your living room. Just don't come crying to us when you can't get yourself to drink up at the end of the night; you'll get no sympathy. Oh, and did I mention that the award-winning Fat Cat Marmalade won an award?

October 3rd 2006

If we know our patrons, and I rather think that we do, then if there's one thing in your lives that's nearly as important as the imbibing of quality hop-malt based liquid heaven, it's the world of fashion. Gucci this, and Prada that, it's all we hear all day. So we know that the announcement of the Fat Cat's 2006-07 collection will cause quite a stir. Our new Polo Shirts are available now: Milan will never be the same again. We were hoping to get a top supermodel to model them for us, but following recent revelations in the press, and the Fat Cat's strong moral stance on such issues, we've had to cancel the contract. But hey, Kate, don't take it personally, let's do lunch sometime, okay? Mwah.

But what, I hear you cry, is to happen to all of the fine stock from our previous collection? Well, by Jove, it's time for an autumn Fat Cat couture sale! Our previous t-shirts are available at the staggering price of £5, while polo shirts are going for a jaw-dropping £7.50.  Which is handy, as the only thing more attractive to the opposite sex than a Fat Cat t-shirt is a Fat Cat t-shirt that shows thrift and sound economic planning. Regrettably, the stick to beat them off with is not provided as part of the cost.

Now, for those of you worried that our forays in to clothing have detracted from our focus on beer, get a hold of yourself; that's just crazy talk.  To prove it, we're launching a new bottled beer list, in the next couple of weeks. As well as a new range of Belgian Bottles, we're providing beers from Austria, Canada, the Czech Republic, Germany, Italy, Mexico, Poland, Russia and the United States. We feel that this should enable our customers to experience the best of world travel, without all the confusion of exposure to new cultures, customs and ideas. The new range should be on sale in two weeks' time; we hope to see you then. Although please feel free to come before, if you're not too busy.

September 5th 2006

We hope all you pussy enthusiasts out there in cyber-world appreciate the new picture gallery, with it's hilarious staff comments. Some of you may feel you have sufficient wit to outdo us - if Friday nights are any gauge, that would be all of you by about 10pm - so we've decided to give you the chance.

All you have to do is click through the pictures, until you find one that inspires you, then come up with some side-splittingly amusing comment, to replace the staff comment already in place. Staff comments may be viewed by clicking on any picture to enlarge it. Once you've sweated through the good taste barrier , we'd like you to email us your efforts via the 'contact us' page on the website. Please try to avoid anything libellous, although we reserve the right to use anything, if it's funny enough!

The competition will end once we feel you've exhausted all the possibilities for ribaldry in what is, after all, a fairly tame series of poseurs prancings captured on camera. All entries which successfully outdo the current comments will be used on the website, with an appropriate acknowledgement of the 'twit behind the wit'. We will let you know, through these very pages, whom the front-runners are (in our somewhat biased and jaded opinions) and invite you to maintain this frenzy of interactive entertainment, by voting for the winner. There will be a prize of alcohol, in your favourite form, for the winner - we have yet to find out how far Colin's arm can be twisted in this regard!

August 17th 2006

One of the most common requests we get here at the Fat Cat is for more pictures of the Cat Crew. What people want them for, we don't know, and they're not normally too keen to discuss it either.  Still, for whatever special "project" you're working on, they're now available over here >>, together with pictures of the Fat Cat itself, the Shed, and the Fat Cat Brewery. Please take your time to peruse them; I'm sure you'll agree they provide a fascinating insight into the workings of the Fat Cat, and a useful document for future historians, doubtless looking back on the glory days of beer retail.  You're welcome.

In further news, there's a new addition to the Fat Cat Beer family.  Called "Fat Cat Marmalade", it weighs in at a hefty 5.5% ABV, but don't let that fool you: it dances across your palate with a deftness of touch that would make Nureyev blush.  "Fat Cat Marmalade - Because women love a winner, and winners drink beer".  Note to Advertising Standards Agency : This is a Joke.  We know that drinking our beer does not make you attractive to women.  Dear God, we know.

And in further, shocking news, no member of the Cat Crew is in Thailand. After Colin and Marjie's return (if you want details of their trip, please ask them, as this is a family website), and with Russell not due to replace them for several months,  the Thai economy is almost certainly close to collapse, being replaced with a bartering system based on Fat Cat t-shirts.  Still,  Merinne is currently tearing her way across the United States, leaving behind her a trail of broken hearts, and once innocent country boys with a much expanded vocabulary more suited to the harbour than Bible Camp.  God Speed, Merinne...

June 10th 2006

Some of the more observant of our readers may have noticed that the 2006 World Cup has just begun. The staff at the Fat Cat would like to congratulate the England squad on their one-nil win over Paraguay; I’m sure Messrs. Beckham, Owen, etc. will be thrilled with receiving the National Pub of the Year 2004’s seal of approval. If they’re not, well, at least we’ve won something rather more recently than they have. Ahem. So why not come down to the Cat to watch the game, enjoy the atmosphere, or ask Scottish Chris and Marjie how Scotland are getting on. Always hilarious. Of course, for all the World Cup widows, Americans and other uninterested parties, there’s the normal fine selection of beers, wines and spirits to help you lay low until it’s all over.

The holiday season is well and truly upon us, and a number of the Cat Crew are off around the world spreading the good word. Big Chris has just returned from Menorca, and Russell surprised no-one by choosing Thailand for his summer getaway. He is departing on June 15th, to be joined a week or two later by Colin and Marjie. Tomorrow we bid farewell to Scottish Chris and Liz, who’re off to exotic Southwold. So please feel free to come in and wish any of them goodbye.

May 13th 2006

Good news for Fat Cat Brewery fans – two brand new brews have arrived. Firstly, and available now from the Fat Cat, we have Pussy Galore.  Why Pussy Galore?  Partly because we steadfastly refuse to make a beer without a cat reference in the name, partly because any character that is in charge of a lesbian flying squadron which drops nerve gas on Fort Knox deserves a beer named after them. It’s a Pilsner-type beer, made with Czech hops and lager malt, so it’s bound to be a little different; perfect for those hot summer days. So treat yourself. Go on, you deserve it, tiger.

Also, as I’m sure all our readers will be aware, May is CAMRA’s Mild Month, and to show our support for this classic beer style, in the next few days Fat Cat Mild will be made available to our patrons. Unfortunately, this is not in time for this year’s National Mild Day celebrations on Saturday 6th May. For those too giddy to remember, the scenes of street revelry were reminiscent of VE Day, with just a hint of the 1977 Jubilee, all in honour of this dark, malty wonder-drink. 

Still on the subject of the Brewery, the next few weeks will see the launch of the Fat Cat Brewery website. Packed full of every possible fact, opinion and hearsay you could possibly want, it will soon replace all other forms of communication, and your lifeless husks will lie in thrall to the Keatley Empire’s web presence. Whah hah hah hah! That is, unless the apes take over. Or a giant meteor is on a collision course with earth. Or Skynet gets there first. I’m going for a lie down.

 

March 15th 2006

We're in the middle of a busy time for the Patron Saints of Britain and Ireland. With stuffy old St Andrew sulking back in January, the more sociable trio of St. David, Patrick and our own George cluster in a six week period during March and April. This Friday sees St Patrick step to the fore and we have a selection of 8 Irish beers (from the Northern province as well as the Republic). This is something of a triumph, as we've been unable to find a supplier since our Bristol wholesaler went out of business 2 years ago.

We will be showcasing four breweries. The Hilden Brewery (Hilden, N.Ireland), Messrs. Maguire (Dublin, ROI), College Green Brewery (Belfast, N.Ireland) and the Franciscan Well Brewery (Cork, ROI). The beers will be spread over a two week period, with Molly's Chocolate Stout likely to be first to appear, slightly early, on Thursday 16th, just prior to the annual Guinness-fest that is St Patrick's Day.

February 21st 2006

It's been a fairly quiet news month at The Cat. Russell (who else?) took a month off - again - to visit the flesh pots of Thailand. He says he wanted to check how the reconstruction work was going after last years tsunami. Quite why this involved a detailed survey of pole-dancers' inner thigh measurements, we are unsure! Meanwhile, the triumvirate known as Chris, slaved manfully, boyishly and Jockishly, to retain control of the remaining Fat Cat girls (no mean feat without Russell's sure-handed control of these skittish creatures).

The launch of two further Fat Cat beers - Alley Cat 4.2% and Honey Ale 4.3% - just about wraps up the remaining news for the past few weeks, so we'll leave you with the information that The Shed has a new website. This artfully crafted piece of work can be found by clicking on 'The Shed Norwich' , which happens to be the name of the website - cunning devils.

January 11th 2006

Even Happier New Year! It's January Sale time at The Fat Cat!

As the Fat Cat staff mooch around behind the bar - more jaded than that Jeff Brazier bloke - we thought we'd entice you to throw off those winter blues with an appeal to the bargain-hunting side of your nature (no David Dickinsonesque fake tans please!). We've dropped the prices of five (Yes! 5!) tempting beers - from the light, hoppy, quaffable Fat Cat Best (£1.60), through the seasonally flavoursome J.W.Lee's Plum Pudding Ale (£1.60), to the full-bodied dark fruitfulness of Elgood's North Brink Porter (£1.80).

Should this cornucopia of ales not be to your taste (full details on the beer pages), remember that tappits and polypins are available all-year-round, so you can slouch in your favourite armchair with your favourite beer, rather than dragging your unmotivated New-Year-self to the cheerful, sunny, environs of The Cat!

January 4th 2006

Happy New Year! For those of you just coming around from a Christmas of bacchanalian excess, I imagine that the first of your concerns is the news from the Fat Cat. Or maybe it’s trying to remember why there are life-sized replicas of the cast of Bergerac made entirely out of beer mats and cocktail sticks in your bathroom. Either way, there’s plenty going on in the fascinating and fast-paced world of quality beer retail.

First of all, there’s good news for the night owls among you. Come to think of it, is there such a thing as day owls? …(muses thoughtfully)… Anyway, all creatures of the night will be pleased to hear that within a couple of weeks the Fat Cat will be serving beverages until 12.00am on Fridays and Saturdays. Whilst this move is unlikely to cheer the Cat Crew’s long suffering wives/girlfriends/boyfriends/Playstations, we feel it may strike a better chord with the general public. So please come along and enjoy yourself for an extra hour. Or don’t and we can all get some sleep. Up to you.

Also in the near future, a big charity push is coming up! In order to raise money for the Big C (The cancer charity, not the Sesame Steet sponsoring letter), a young lad by the name of Gethin Davison is going to Peru, and raising several thousand pounds for charity. In the spirit of giving, ten pence will be donated for every pint of Fat Cat Beer purchased. So the more you drink, the quicker a boy gets sent to Peru, and the sooner cancer is cured. This should be enough to convince anyone that actions can have strange consequences.

Recent visitors to the Fat Cat will have noticed a brief appearance from a new Fat Cat beer, Alley Cat. Like its feral namesake, it’s lively, cheeky, and a little bit naughty. Destined to make a reappearance soon, and sure to become a firm favourite. Let us know what you think. 

Finally, on Monday we bid another fond farewell to Russell, as he returns to Thailand on his regular intercontinental jaunt. With Watford’s skin-of-their-teeth victory (sorry Russell, I mean convincing demolition) over local rivals L*ton, together with his anticipation of another holiday of sun, sand and, er, socialising, he’s been nearly unbearable anyway, but tears will, doubtless, still flow. Feel free to pop in and wish him well. Peace out.

December 1st 2005

Christmas is coming; Polypins 'n' that; Please order swiftly from the old Fat Cat;

If you can't drink a polypin; A tappit will do; If you struggle with a tappit, then God bless the four pint jug! (okay, so it doesn't rhyme, but you get the idea, don't you?)

Yes, the festive season is upon us once more. All those who like to drink Fat Cat quality beer, at home over the Christmas & New Year period be warned - orders are being taken now, for collection in three weeks time. Not all of our usual range will be available, so we recommend you pop in for a swift half and collect an order form.

Don't forget, we offer two types of polypin. The 'bright' version is ideal for office Christmas parties and suchlike, as it requires no settling time. The alternative is a 'live' beer which will need to sit for 48 hours prior to serving, but has the advantage of keeping fresh for a month. Big Chris usually has a polypin which he starts the week before Christmas and finishes off, with the last of the turkey sandwiches, around the end of January!

Tip from Colin - eight out of ten Santas, who expressed a preference, chose Black Cat Stout to rinse down their mince pie (the other two drank Santa Paws at 7% abv and fell off the sleigh!).

November 21st 2005

By now, many of you will be aware that the laws concerning public house opening times are changing. As we know by now, this will lead to drunken carousing at all hours of the night, rioting on the streets, and a general breakdown of society. Stll, at least it should make Scottish Chris feel at home. The Fat Cat has no wish to fuel the degeneracy of this great island nation, and as such business will continue as normal. However, we will keep this policy under constant review; we’ll keep you informed of any changes.

And there’s good news from those fine fellows at the Fat Cat Brewery. The next beer to join our Fat Cat family will be a Stout, imaginatively titled ‘Black Cat’. This cheeky little number comes in at a cockle-warming 4.6%, and is sure to make those cold winter days slip by as effortlessly as soap on greased-up ice, and a good deal less messily too. Some of you may have had the chance to try it already at the test brew stage; it’ll be coming soon and available for all to try¹ at their leisure. 

Is your life missing something? Are you finding your job in high finance or international espionage is getting a little, well, humdrum? Then why not apply to become a member of the Cat Crew? This dynamic group of fun-loving beer fiends are always looking for new members. Only the talented, hard-working and beautiful need apply. Seriously, we need to balance out the ones we’ve already got. Still interested? Then e-mail us or, even better, drop in for a chat. You won’t regret it².

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[1] Apart from the under-18’s, drunk people, on-duty police officers and prostitutes. Honestly kids, it’s the law. Oh, and anyone else we deem unworthy to drink it. No, of course we don’t mean you.

[2] Not guaranteed.

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November 2nd 2005

Congratulations, this week, go to Norwich and Watford, for their joint efforts in rising above their respective deadly enemies (L*t*n and Ips**t).  Much rejoicing was to be seen behind the bar on Tuesday as the football warriors, Russell & Big Chris, celebrated their mutual triumph! Let's hope this continues for the rest of the season - with both teams achieving automatic promotion (Russ & Chris will have to fight for the honour of top dog at the Fat Cat!).

October 19th 2005

Friday 21st of October sees not one, but TWO momentous occasions take place, both of which can be celebrated at The Fat Cat. Firstly, we are launching our third beer from the Fat Cat Brewery - a medium-coloured, autumnal brew, to be called Mad Cat - with the first pint being ceremoniously pulled by Simon Reynolds at around 4.30 pm. The lucky Mr. Reynolds was selected by our super-computer after becoming the 1000th person to narrowly avoid receiving a parking ticket whilst drinking in the Fat Cat whilst, simultaneously, getting away with telephoning his wife, to inform her that he'd been unavoidably detained at the office and wouldn't be home until midnight!  The super-computer felt that the achievement of such a fortuitous coincidence deserved commemorating and rang Mr. Reynolds to advise him of his further good fortune. Unfortunately, the automated (and highly detailed) phone message was taken by Simon's wife - our prayers are with Simon as he recovers in hospital and we hope he'll soon be able to sit down once more (the goodwill, replacement mobile phone is in the post).

Secondly, we will be joining the country in celebrating the 200th anniversary of Lord Nelson's famous victory in the Battle of Trafalgar. You will be able to toast his Lordship's greatness with a variety of commemorative ales, the 'Daddy' of which is Spectrum Brewery's BLINDER! at 8.5% - as the pump clip proudly proclaims 'England 22 - 0 France'. A full list of the beers can, as usual, be found on the beer pages of the website.

October 15th 2005

News, news… <chews pen nervously>. Well, both the Fat Cat Beers are now well established regulars throughout the Keatley Empire, and are proving a firm favourite among regulars and passers-by alike. If you still haven’t tried it, why not come down and do so, before every pub in the country is selling it to the exclusion of all other beers; by then it’ll just be boring.

October also brings us the 28^th Norwich Beer Festival. From Monday 24^th until Saturday 29^th, you’ll have the opportunity to try over 200 beers from around the country. More importantly, vouchers will be made available entitling the proud holder to a half-pint of Fat Cat Bitter on your next visit to the Fat Cat or the Shed. However, please don’t go to the Beer Festival purely for your voucher; CAMRA work very hard to put together that festival, and you’ll just make them feel bad. 

Also, if you have any suggestions regarding the website, the pub or the beers of the Fat Cat, please let us know through the ‘Contact Us’ section of this website. If you keep the suggestions nice, clean and constructive we’ll probably consider them. If you keep them nasty, obscene and destructive we’ll probably still consider them, but not let you join in.

September 8th 2005

As regular visitors to the Fat Cat are surely aware, the Keatleys are back in Blighty, bringing tales from the Orient of intrigue, excitement and, well, drinking. The Cat Crew are, of course, delighted to have their masters in charge once more, and would like to thank the customers for their complicity in not telling Colin about the incident with the ducks and the flamethrower.

Moving on (although I feel that those present at the incident will never truly be able to move on), The Fat Cat Brewery is now in full swing. A range of test beers are available at the Fat Cat this week, and the opinion of our esteemed customers is being sought out. So, why not come in and let us know what you think of our new brews. After all, if people vote for such trifling matters as which C-list celebrity they most want to throw out of a jungle, and even on who should form the Government of the day, why not vote on a truly important issue that could affect beer drinking for generations. 

Finally, I’m sure everybody will be as stunned as we were to hear that the Fat Cat has been voted the third best pub in Britain. Yes, third. According to the Morning Advertiser there are two better pubs in Britain. We are unable to confirm this, as Colin doesn’t let us out much, but we Cat Crew find that difficult to believe. I mean, we try really, really hard. Stll, it doesn’t matter too much, as the two pubs in question are in London, and if what Colin tells us about that place is true, you wouldn’t want to go there. No, stay here in Norwich. There’s nothing in the outside world of interest to any of us. Thank you for your time.

August 18th 2005

Those who have visited the Fat Cat recently may have noticed a sense of anarchy pervading the establishment. If the bar towels seem less straight than usual or the part of the bar near the cellar hatch seems less maniacally polished, that’s because Colin and Marjie are off to Thailand.

Apparently, Colin has so much faith in the initiative and decision-making abilities of all his senior members of staff (at this point Colin Keatley developed a severe cough that we all hope he got checked out before going abroad), that it didn’t seem fair to put one of them in charge. Therefore for the period of his absence, all major decisions are to be taken by a magic eight-ball, only to operated by a specially trained monkey (still, at least he really does work for peanuts).

 The Keatleys' itinerary is commendably vague, but a spokesman for the Thai Department for Environmental Health said that they were familiar with Colin’s near-psychotic approach to bar cleanliness, and were looking forward to seeing it in person, as the training videos simply don’t do him justice. I’m sure we’d all like to wish them a safe trip, and details of their return will be posted soon, for those who would like to toast their return – the monkey is certainly looking forward to a break.

 In other news, with the start of the season, football fever has returned! The Cat Crew, who are always ones for catching a fever when there’s work to be done, have been swept away with the rest of the nation, and Russell is more than keen to talk about Watford’s 3-1 demolition of Cardiff City, whereas Scottish Chris is positively apoplectic about Aberdeen ending their seven-and-a-half years without beating bogey team Glasgow Rangers. Concerning Norwich, Chris Riches was not available for comment.

July 16th 2005

Hello, faithful reader.
I just thought you might be interested to know where Russell's been.
The answer, according to Russell, is 'All over South-East Asia - especially the bits with young women trying to take my money and succeeding in taking my passport!'

After 'The great sunglasses debacle' that was Bangkok, Russell flew to Phuket - meeting up with one of the baker boys (Ian) - before revisiting Koh Phi Phi, which he last saw a couple of days before the tsunami altered the landscape. He moved on to Macau, where a gaggle of pre-pubescent Chinese girls attempted to relieve him of his easily-earned dosh, in return for a 'massage'. Having resisted their advances (in the lift, the corridor, his room and, ultimately, his bedroom (via telephone I hasten to add), Russell was able to visit Hong Kong before returning to Macau to catch his next flight, to the Phillipines.

This was to be the start of a great adventure. Russell landed at a US airforce base, skint, with no cash machine. A tortuous taxi ride followed, taking in several circuits of Manila, ending with Russell dumped at his hotel nearly three hours later! Having spent the next couple of days emptying the hotel bar of alcohol, Russell was ready to climb a volcano (well, you would be, wouldn't you?). He took the light rail transport to Angeles (conveniently situated near said volcano) and tried to book into an hotel. The only problem was his passport, or lack of passport to be precise! It transpired that Russell's pocket was picked, on the train, and he had no option but to visit the British Embassy to obtain another. After a day of fun-filled laughter (far too involved to be described in this brief report) Russell's application was dealt with smoothly and efficiently (apart from the misunderstanding over attempting to bribe an embassy official!).

Russell now had merely to complete immigration procedures and his trip could continue.
Unfortunately, the immigration department had no record of his entry to the Phillipines and another day was lost in pursuit of the required rubber stamp in Russell's freshly procured passport! At last Russell could set off to climb his volcano - alas he was into his final day before having to fly back to Bangkok and thence home to dear old Blighty. When last we heard, he was still climbing, whilst hoping the bus back to the airport didn't break down - again!

Russell is due back behind the bar on Thursday, 21st July, why not call in to see if he makes it, or not?

July 2nd 2005

Well now, boys and girls, we'd better kick this section off with a round-up of all the BIG Fat Cat stories to excite the headline writers since the start of 2005! Hopefully we can manage some regular updates, now that the site is nearly 100% live. Whilst most of this first post will be factual and informative, we can always find room for some light relief, so long as we can find a flimsy excuse to make it Fat Cat relevant.

What a start to the year we had - CAMRA National Pub of the Year, again!
To say we were all thrilled to bits would be like saying 'real ale is nice', an understatement of breathtaking proportions! As you may imagine, business has been fairly hectic for the past 6 months, although some normality is returning (fewer coach parties this past month!).

To add to the fun, Colin & Marjie bought a new pub - The Wherry, on Sprowston Road - to renovate. Once again, Willy Moles' creative juices have bubbled forth - the man has an inexhaustible wellspring of design ideas, to rival anything Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen could conjure up! The reborn 'Shed' opened in May and has quickly gained a hardcore of regulars, who enjoy the presence of a true ale house in the north of the city. One of the main differences between our two pubs is the full entertainments license at The Shed — you can subscribe to a monthly newsletter, giving details of forthcoming gigs on The Shed's website.

The Fat Cat Brewing Company also makes its home at The Shed. Whilst there have been a few design and construction teething troubles, it is now hoped that brewing will commence before the end of July — WATCH THIS SPACE (I've been dying to say that).

Cheers!
Chris

If you have any news items that you think would be of interest to our customers please let us know. We can't guarantee we'll publish your news item but we'll do our best to do so. You can submit your news through our contact page. Please mark your entry, "News item", (or something like that anyway-- we're not really that fussy).