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26th December 2007
Merry Christmas to one and all! I sincerely hope that all of you enjoyed Christmas thoroughly. A brief reminder to all our readers that the Fat Cat is closed on New Year's Eve, so that our crack team of doctors and physiotherapists can try to patch up the Cat Crew well enough to last out another year, before spending the evening in quiet meditation, seeking the wisdom and grace to be able to perform their jobs with the commitment and fervour that you would expect. So if you see any of them out, vomiting in the gutter, or trying to fight a telegraph pole, it is clearly some kind of optical illusion.
Merinne's mother was kind enough to visit me recently, and ask that now her daughter no longer works here, if I might possibly stop casting aspersions over her good name over the internet. Sometimes, trapped here in the icy glow of a LCD screen, it can be easy to forget that words can have consequences. So I can only apologise, and promise never to besmirch the good name of the trash-talking, heart-breaking sexual dynamo that is Merinne, ever again. Starting now.
It is my immense pleasure to announce the availability of a new Fat Cat Beer. As I stand on the threshold of history, with no fear of hyperbole, I am reminded of the iconic footage of Walter Cronkite announcing, clearly shaken, the assassination of President Kennedy. So I would ask you to take a moment to take in your surroundings, and to commit to memory this moment, so that in years to come, you can relate to your spellbound grandchildren, in hushed tones: "I was there...". So with no further gilding of this malt-based lily, I give to you... Fat Cat IPA.
Boasting an ABV of 7.0 per cent, Fat Cat IPA is clearly the enfant terrible of the Fat Cat stable. Strutting about with the confidence of a true thoroughbred, consuming grain from the feed-bag of excellence, and sporting the horseshoes of greatness, Fat Cat IPA is truly a winner. IPA stands for India Pale Ale, and one of the questions we are most commonly asked here is: why is it called India Pale Ale? So to clear up this issue once and for all, and to satisfy the people who have asked for more facts in our news statements, and less lunatic ramblings, I give you the story of IPA. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
On the sixth of January, 1899, George Nathaniel Curzon became Governor-General of India. Upon arriving in his new Dominion, Lord Curzon was bewitched by his surroundings. The bright colours of the local fabrics contrasted beautifully with the dreary Victorian prudishness of nineteenth Century London. The smell of cumin hung in the air like an olfactory shower curtain. At that moment Lord Curzon resolved to spend the rest of his life bringing the sensory nirvana of India to the good, hard-working folk of England.
Several months in to his new position, he began to hear, in whispers, of a secret sect known as 'The Guardians of Shiva'. Upon discovering that one of his servants belonged to this sect, he followed him, in the dead of night, to their secret cave.
The great, imperial Lord Curzon was as a teenager, sneaking home after breaking curfew. Deeper in to the cave system he went, before coming to a chamber lined with the finest silks. Upon a magnificent golden throne, sat a wizened old man. Choosing this moment to draw back the shades of deceit, he announced himself:
"I am Lord Curzon, Imperial Leader of the British Raj. I come to demand fealty."
The wizened old man smiled, and the sect members in the room burst in to laughter.
"I am Kokradi, leader of the Guardians of Shiva, and I give fealty to no man. Yet, as temporal overseer of the great nation of India, I welcome you in to our bosom."
Lord Curzon was silenced by Kokradi's stateliness, and felt naked in the presence of a man whose natural authority exceeded that which was afforded by the entire might of the British Empire. Kokradi extended his hand, and led Lord Curzon further in to the cave system.
After what seemed like eternity, the pair emerged in a cavern which encompassed a lake.
"We have reached our final destination.", Kokradi stated, "How do you feel?"
After pausing for a moment, Lord Curzon replied, "Disappointed".
"Explain."
"Why, in England, underwater lakes are ten-a-penny. I myself spent many youhful hours gambolling in the pot-holes of Yorkshire,"
"Ah but you have not yet tasted the elixir, from what we call 'The Black Hole of Calcutta.' With that, Kokradi produced a beautiful golden cup, and dipped it in to the lake.
Upon taking the cup, Lord Curzon brought the draught to his lips, and tasted a liquid to which the closest modern analogue is Chocolate Nesquik, without the sour aftertaste of baby-killing. At once, his actions were made clear.
"In the name of Queen Victoria, I claim this liquid for the British Empire."
Kokradi's disappointment was clear, but he replied:
"So be it. But hear ye now, this decision will sound the death-knell of the British Empire, which in a mere Century's time, will be but dust."
Ignoring Kakoradi's warning, upon returning from the caverns, Lord Curzon commissioned a trans-continental underground canal, through which the mysterious dark liquid would be transported to England. His preeminence in the hierarchy of Britain's magnificent empire would be confirmed.
One last twist in the tale remains, however. As the liquid was transported to England, it was watered down by the tears of the Guardians of Shiva, lamenting the loss of their glorious beverage. As the tears diluted the drink, they rendered it pale and bitter. However, this new beverage went down a storm with the humble folk of pastoral England. IPA fever soon gripped the country.
Of course, the tears of the Guardians of Shiva are not available to us here at Fat Cat Towers, so Ray Ashworth has come up with an alternative solution. In a soon-to-be patented design, we sit several orphans in a trough, and show them 'Watership Down'. With the resultant residue, we bring to you the marvel that is Fat Cat IPA. Taste the history.
17th October 2007July 26th 2007
Well, once more
the time has come for me to regurgitate newsfacts in to the eager
mouths of my interweb chicks. I’ll get the bad news out of the
way first: after three years of faithful service, the delightful
Merinne is leaving the Cat Crew for the glamour and excitement of
‘Up North’. Her dignity and grace were an inspiration to
us all, as were her fine range of knob jokes. She was last seen on her leaving
night clutching a traffic cone and cussing at a badger. Awhhh.
As some of you
may have heard, smoking is no longer permitted in public places,
including the Fat Cat. Opinions have been sharply divided on this
issue, but like it or not, it’s certainly made a change to the
atmosphere. So why not come in for a beer, and find out what each other
smell like. Rainbows and kittens is my bet.
Mr. Moles has been working through the night, scrubbing the walls and
sanding the tables, abetted by Will Keatley, no less, to give the pub a
bit of a scrub up. Because, and you’re probably not aware of this,
Colin does like to have a bit of a clean up now and again.
Also in the next
couple of months, we’re going to be changing our ‘Beers of
the World’. We’ll be open to suggestions, so if you can
remember the name of that cheeky little lager you sampled on your
Patagonian estate, or the divine stout you quaffed on the Mongolian
steppes, let us know, and we’ll try and get it for you. Or keep
your opinions to yourself, and we'll just pick any that sound like rude
words.
The Fat Cat Brewery website is up and running now here.
Check it out for a hard-hitting warts-and-all interview with Ray
Ashworth. Honestly, it’s like Heat magazine. Only without the
undercurrent of pure evil. So maybe a bit more like Newsnight. Although
Paxman probably wouldn’t have asked,
‘So, Ray, why are all your beers so bloody fantastic?’
Still, whatever it's like, we await the Pulitzer Prize with our
customary demure modesty.
May 10th 2007
Good news for
Fat Cat Brewery fans, there's a new cat in the alley! 'Meow Mild' comes
in at 4.3%, and is packed full of flavour, so feel free to come down
and try it. Once your ears have recovered from the screech of the
barrel being scraped for cat-themed beer names, you'll be able to enjoy
it for the taste sensation that it is. A word of warning though, its
supply is limited, and running out fast.
Many of our
regulars will be sad to hear that the Fat Cat failed at the final
hurdle in the race to host Britain's first super casino. All was
proceeding well until the Fat Cat management team were asked to
summarise their plans, who then told the board that they were
planning to 'do a lot of craps', and then continued to laugh
uncontrollably
amongst themselves for the remaining 20 minutes of the presentation.
I'm sure all Fat
Cat regulars will agree that Colin has been in serious need of a
holiday after several weeks of hard labour. Well, fear not, he has
reluctantly conceded and jetted off to Thailand once again. However,
during this period Big Chris has also booked himself off, leaving a
skeleton management team of Russell, Marjie and Scottish Chris. We
fully expect that by the time of Colin's return, the Cat Crew will have
divided in to two tribes, and after an initial period of conflict over
territory, they will commence trading with one another using a
rudimentary currency system based on bottle caps. So feel free to come
in and enjoy the birth of civilisation over a pint or two.
Before Colin
left, he did ask me to remind the web community that 34 pint polypins
of Fat Cat Best are available for only 55 pounds. I know what you're
thinking: at that price, he must mean Cypriot pounds. No, reader,
that's 55 pounds sterling. So, after you've picked yourself up off the
floor and arranged your party, just give us a call or email, and let us
know when you can pick it up, and whether you want it bright or live.
And if you can't decide if you want your Fat Cat live or not, why not
try our new Schrödinger's Polypin.
Oh, and to the
reader who complained that I'd ruined the plot of Conquest of the
Planet of the Apes for them last month: I left you a 35 year wide
window of opportunity to see it yourself, and you blew it. And by the
way: Darth Vader is Luke's father, that's Mr. Rochester's mad wife making all that racket in the loft,
and 'Rosebud' was the name of his damned stupid sledge. Any more
complaints, and next month I'll be back to let you know who killed
Laura Palmer.
April 6th 2007
It's been
a while since our last news update, so I'm sure you're keen to avoid
any shilly-shallying – I'll get straight to the Headlines. BONG!
As the Fat Cat
Brewery becomes established in the hearts and minds of Norfolk's
citizenry, we have had to decide how best to communicate with its
customers. After a brief and disastrous experiment with spreading our message
through the medium of dance, The Fat Cat Brewery website should be up
and running very soon. Ever keen to retain his employment, our web
creator is clearly lining himself up for a commission creating a third
website, which will have the sole objective of locating, identifying
and returning your socks after the first two have blown them clean off
– www.findmysocksuhtmllegend.co.uk
Russell's back!
Before you rush your daughters in to their priest-holes, this time he's
accompanied by his young ladyfriend Malee. Apparently his trip was as
exciting and action-packed as a feature length episode of “Juliet
Bravo”, but to find out all about it, you'll have to come in and
see him, as being a backwards sort of fella, he hasn't even got a video
blog. Marjie has also returned from an urgent fact-finding trip to
Spain, and is now urgently trying to remember the facts she found.
If there's one
thing we hate here at the Cat, it's intolerance. So much so that when
Colin was a young firebrand, he once led a revolt of monkeys that were
being subjugated as slaves to ultimate victory over the human race. Now I
come to think of it, that's not something Colin did, it's the plot of
“Conquest of the Planet of the Apes”. But you get the idea.
One type of intolerance we are open to, however, is gluten intolerance,
with a range of two gluten-free bottled beers, and we're about to add a
guest gluten-free beer 'Against the Grain'. So if you suffer from
gluten intolerance (or Coeliac disease or Dermatitis Herpetiformis,
fact hunters) get straight down here and drink your gluten worries
away. Incidentally, please be careful when calling people fact hunters.
Scottish Chris and Russell have already booked their train tickets to Manchester for the 2007-08 UEFA Cup Final, which will be contested between Watford and Aberdeen, so long as both teams can navigate a few easy fixtures, starting with Watford's formality against Manchester United in the FA Cup semi-final on Saturday.
February 14th 2007
Well, since it's been a while since the last news article here, I suppose I'd
best attempt to fill your fact mugs full of lovely, foaming news,
poured on gravity from the barrel of truth. Firstly, for those who
don't know, the smoking ban comes in to effect on July 1st. For those
who do know, the smoking ban also comes in to effect on July 1st, but
you already knew that. Needless to say, we are currently looking in to
a number of proposals to make our smokers comfortable in an outside
area; we'll keep you informed as decisions are made.
Our Glorious Leader has set off for one of his regular excursions to Thailand, and
in just over two weeks Russell will be flying out there to grasp the
holiday baton (definitely a metaphor, so don't get excited.) What they
both see in the place is beyond me; I suppose the beer must be of a
particularly high standard or something.
Congratulations
to Norwich City for overcoming Blackpool on Tuesday, and good luck to
them against Chelsea. Good Luck also to Russell's own Watford, who are
playing some third-rate team or another.
Just a reminder
that Fat Cat Marmalade and Fat Cat Spicy Stout are still available in
bottles for the bargain price of £2.60 each (+20p bottle
deposit). They're perfect as a gift for that special occasion; or to
share with friends with some tapas and experimental jazz; or maybe just
for yourself after a hard day's work, a little treat that simply says
'thank you for being you'. “The Fat Cat – making regular
folk feel special since 1991”. Thanks, and look after yourselves.
December 3rd 2006
Welcome once again to the Fat Cat's news pages. I'm sure you're aware of the reputation this website has for providing incisive, cutting edge commentary on the events of today (or the puerile humour of a particularly dim-witted ten-year old boy, depending on your point of view). What is particularly touching for us is the number of you who regularly read our red-eyed ramblings. In November, for the first time, the Fat Cat website passed the 100,000 hits a month mark. Yes, 100,000. So please tell your friends, and your enemies to visit, so we can experience a brief moment of acceptance in this 21st Century post-modern world of alienation and drudgery. And if there's anything you'd like to see on the website, bearing in mind that there are some things we just can't persuade barmaids to do, please let us know(barmen will, of course, do just about anything for attention).
To run our vast internet empire, naturally we require the computing power of Choc-o-Bloc and Dr. Theopolis combined. This means that when our computers are idle, huge amounts of processing power remain unused. Upon deciding to utilise this power, we debated at length whether to use it for good or evil. After a great deal of thought, and a decidedly hung jury, we plumped for the former. Our spare processor cycles are to be used by Stanford University for their folding@home project, to help the study of numerous diseases. If you'd like to join in, please visit here >>, and download the software provided. If you'd like to join our team, please enter ID number 53193 in the box provided upon installing the software.
As we head in to the festive season, please make sure that you get your tappit or polypin order in as soon as possible. We'll be taking orders right up to the wire, but the sooner you place your order, the more likely it'll be that we can get you the beer you want, when you want. Also, if you're having a Christmas party, for the office or just for friends, please consider booking a table or a room to avoid disappointment. There's a photocopying shop next door if during the carousing you feel the need for a facsimile of any part of your anatomy.
November 13th 2006
Those of you who frequent our establishment at the weekends will doubtless be familar with the whirlwind that is Flash, our glass collector. What you may not be aware of is his double life as a published author. Under his nom de plume of 'Chris Farnell', Flash has written a book called 'Mark II'. So you can pick it up from your local bookseller or here >>, and find out if he writes better than he glass collects. Unimaginable, but you never know.
November 2nd 2006
'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.' Dickens was talking about the
time between the American revolution and the storming of the Bastille,
but he could easily have been talking about the festive period which,
for us, begins with the Norwich Beer Festival. Still, Fat Cat Marmalade
has become 'the award winning Fat Cat Marmalade', after scooping third
place in the Strong Bitter Category, so our warmest congratulations go
out to everyone involved with the Fat Cat Brewery. Colin will be
placing it in his burgeoning trophy room, in-between his cycling
proficiency certificate and the place he's reserved for the
surely forthcoming OBE for services to bar hygiene.
Also, our new
bottled beers of the world are now available. The full list will be put
on-line shortly, and contains some old favourites and some new
surprises. Big Chris bravely stepped forward and agreed to try them
all, so will be pleased to give you his views on them, before
deciding that you're his best mate in the whole world and trying to
pick a fight with a badger that only he can see.
But, reader, I
can imagine what you're thinking. Whilst you enjoy the bottle format,
the way the bright labels stand out against the plain brown bottle, the
noise they make when you remove the lid etc., the award winning Fat Cat
Marmalade has ruined you for all other beers. 'What is there out there
for me?', I hear you cry, as you beat your fists against the ground
while lightning illuminates an otherwise dark, moonless night. Well, in
time for Christmas, there will be two Fat Cat beers available in
bottles, the award winning Fat Cat Marmalade and the new Fat Cat Spicy
Cat. So stop being so melodramatic.
Fat Cat Spicy
Cat is available for you to try in cask format as we speak, but its
development is still in a state of flux as we try to make a beer worthy
of the stable that contains the award winning Fat Cat Marmalade. It's a
dark spiced ale and warms your insides so well that if Napoleon had had
access to it, his 1812 campaign in Russia, instead of trudging to a
halt in the freezing winter, could have overthrown the Tsar's mighty
empire. While that's only conjecture, given that this beer may have the
power to change the geo-political balance, don't you think you should
give it a try?
Colin has also
asked me to remind you that Tappits and Polypins are available, and
hugely popular during the festive period, so get your order in as soon
as possible. Order forms are available at the bar. Feel free to buy a
Fat Cat shirt, try to beg a couple of bar towels from Colin, and set up
your very own Fat Cat in the comfort of your living room. Just don't
come crying to us when you can't get yourself to drink up at the end of
the night; you'll get no sympathy. Oh, and did I mention that the award-winning Fat Cat
Marmalade won an award?
October 3rd 2006
If we know our patrons, and I rather think that we do, then if there's one thing in your lives that's nearly as important as the imbibing of quality hop-malt based liquid heaven, it's the world of fashion. Gucci this, and Prada that, it's all we hear all day. So we know that the announcement of the Fat Cat's 2006-07 collection will cause quite a stir. Our new Polo Shirts are available now: Milan will never be the same again. We were hoping to get a top supermodel to model them for us, but following recent revelations in the press, and the Fat Cat's strong moral stance on such issues, we've had to cancel the contract. But hey, Kate, don't take it personally, let's do lunch sometime, okay? Mwah.September 5th 2006
We hope all you pussy enthusiasts out there in cyber-world appreciate the new picture gallery, with it's hilarious staff comments. Some of you may feel you have sufficient wit to outdo us - if Friday nights are any gauge, that would be all of you by about 10pm - so we've decided to give you the chance.
All you have to do is click through the pictures, until you find one that inspires you, then come up with some side-splittingly amusing comment, to replace the staff comment already in place. Staff comments may be viewed by clicking on any picture to enlarge it. Once you've sweated through the good taste barrier , we'd like you to email us your efforts via the 'contact us' page on the website. Please try to avoid anything libellous, although we reserve the right to use anything, if it's funny enough!
The competition will end once we feel you've exhausted all the possibilities for ribaldry in what is, after all, a fairly tame series of poseurs prancings captured on camera. All entries which successfully outdo the current comments will be used on the website, with an appropriate acknowledgement of the 'twit behind the wit'. We will let you know, through these very pages, whom the front-runners are (in our somewhat biased and jaded opinions) and invite you to maintain this frenzy of interactive entertainment, by voting for the winner. There will be a prize of alcohol, in your favourite form, for the winner - we have yet to find out how far Colin's arm can be twisted in this regard!
August 17th 2006
One of the most common requests we get here at the Fat Cat is
for
more pictures of the Cat Crew. What people want them for, we don't
know, and they're not normally too keen to discuss it either.
Still, for whatever special "project" you're working on, they're now
available over
here >>,
together with pictures of the Fat Cat itself, the Shed, and the Fat Cat
Brewery. Please take your time to peruse them; I'm sure you'll agree
they provide a fascinating insight into the workings of the Fat Cat,
and a useful document for future historians, doubtless looking back on
the glory days of beer retail. You're welcome.
In further news, there's a new addition to the Fat Cat Beer
family. Called "Fat Cat Marmalade", it weighs in at a hefty
5.5%
ABV, but don't let that fool you: it dances across your palate with a
deftness of touch that would make Nureyev blush. "Fat Cat
Marmalade - Because women love a winner, and winners drink
beer".
Note to Advertising Standards Agency : This is a Joke. We
know
that drinking our beer does not make you attractive to women.
Dear God, we know.
And in further, shocking news, no member of the Cat Crew is in Thailand. After Colin and Marjie's return (if you want details of their trip, please ask them, as this is a family website), and with Russell not due to replace them for several months, the Thai economy is almost certainly close to collapse, being replaced with a bartering system based on Fat Cat t-shirts. Still, Merinne is currently tearing her way across the United States, leaving behind her a trail of broken hearts, and once innocent country boys with a much expanded vocabulary more suited to the harbour than Bible Camp. God Speed, Merinne...
June 10th 2006
Some of the more observant of our readers may have noticed that the 2006 World Cup has just begun. The staff at the Fat Cat would like to congratulate the England squad on their one-nil win over Paraguay; I’m sure Messrs. Beckham, Owen, etc. will be thrilled with receiving the National Pub of the Year 2004’s seal of approval. If they’re not, well, at least we’ve won something rather more recently than they have. Ahem. So why not come down to the Cat to watch the game, enjoy the atmosphere, or ask Scottish Chris and Marjie how Scotland are getting on. Always hilarious. Of course, for all the World Cup widows, Americans and other uninterested parties, there’s the normal fine selection of beers, wines and spirits to help you lay low until it’s all over.
The holiday season is well and
truly upon us, and a number of the Cat Crew are off around the world
spreading the good word. Big Chris has just returned from Menorca, and
Russell surprised no-one by choosing Thailand for his summer getaway.
He is departing on June 15th, to be joined a
week or two later by Colin and Marjie. Tomorrow we bid farewell to
Scottish Chris and Liz, who’re off to exotic
Southwold. So please feel free to come
in and wish any of them goodbye.
May 13th 2006
Good news for Fat Cat Brewery fans – two brand new brews have arrived. Firstly, and available now from the Fat Cat, we have Pussy Galore. Why Pussy Galore? Partly because we steadfastly refuse to make a beer without a cat reference in the name, partly because any character that is in charge of a lesbian flying squadron which drops nerve gas on Fort Knox deserves a beer named after them. It’s a Pilsner-type beer, made with Czech hops and lager malt, so it’s bound to be a little different; perfect for those hot summer days. So treat yourself. Go on, you deserve it, tiger.
Also, as I’m sure all our readers will be aware, May is CAMRA’s Mild Month, and to show our support for this classic beer style, in the next few days Fat Cat Mild will be made available to our patrons. Unfortunately, this is not in time for this year’s National Mild Day celebrations on Saturday 6th May. For those too giddy to remember, the scenes of street revelry were reminiscent of VE Day, with just a hint of the 1977 Jubilee, all in honour of this dark, malty wonder-drink.
Still on the subject of the Brewery, the next few weeks will see the launch of the Fat Cat Brewery website. Packed full of every possible fact, opinion and hearsay you could possibly want, it will soon replace all other forms of communication, and your lifeless husks will lie in thrall to the Keatley Empire’s web presence. Whah hah hah hah! That is, unless the apes take over. Or a giant meteor is on a collision course with earth. Or Skynet gets there first. I’m going for a lie down.
March 15th 2006
We're in the middle of a busy time for the Patron Saints of Britain and Ireland. With stuffy old St Andrew sulking back in January, the more sociable trio of St. David, Patrick and our own George cluster in a six week period during March and April. This Friday sees St Patrick step to the fore and we have a selection of 8 Irish beers (from the Northern province as well as the Republic). This is something of a triumph, as we've been unable to find a supplier since our Bristol wholesaler went out of business 2 years ago.
We will be showcasing four breweries. The Hilden Brewery (Hilden, N.Ireland), Messrs. Maguire (Dublin, ROI), College Green Brewery (Belfast, N.Ireland) and the Franciscan Well Brewery (Cork, ROI). The beers will be spread over a two week period, with Molly's Chocolate Stout likely to be first to appear, slightly early, on Thursday 16th, just prior to the annual Guinness-fest that is St Patrick's Day.
February 21st 2006
It's been a fairly quiet news month at The Cat. Russell (who else?) took a month off - again - to visit the flesh pots of Thailand. He says he wanted to check how the reconstruction work was going after last years tsunami. Quite why this involved a detailed survey of pole-dancers' inner thigh measurements, we are unsure! Meanwhile, the triumvirate known as Chris, slaved manfully, boyishly and Jockishly, to retain control of the remaining Fat Cat girls (no mean feat without Russell's sure-handed control of these skittish creatures).
The launch of two further Fat Cat beers - Alley Cat 4.2% and Honey Ale 4.3% - just about wraps up the remaining news for the past few weeks, so we'll leave you with the information that The Shed has a new website. This artfully crafted piece of work can be found by clicking on 'The Shed Norwich' , which happens to be the name of the website - cunning devils.
January 11th 2006
Even Happier New Year! It's January Sale time at The Fat Cat!
As the Fat Cat staff mooch around behind the bar - more jaded than that Jeff Brazier bloke - we thought we'd entice you to throw off those winter blues with an appeal to the bargain-hunting side of your nature (no David Dickinsonesque fake tans please!). We've dropped the prices of five (Yes! 5!) tempting beers - from the light, hoppy, quaffable Fat Cat Best (£1.60), through the seasonally flavoursome J.W.Lee's Plum Pudding Ale (£1.60), to the full-bodied dark fruitfulness of Elgood's North Brink Porter (£1.80).
Should this cornucopia of ales not be to your taste (full details on the beer pages), remember that tappits and polypins are available all-year-round, so you can slouch in your favourite armchair with your favourite beer, rather than dragging your unmotivated New-Year-self to the cheerful, sunny, environs of The Cat!
January 4th 2006
Happy New Year! For those of you just coming around from a Christmas of bacchanalian excess, I imagine that the first of your concerns is the news from the Fat Cat. Or maybe it’s trying to remember why there are life-sized replicas of the cast of Bergerac made entirely out of beer mats and cocktail sticks in your bathroom. Either way, there’s plenty going on in the fascinating and fast-paced world of quality beer retail.
First of all, there’s good news for the night owls among you. Come to think of it, is there such a thing as day owls? …(muses thoughtfully)… Anyway, all creatures of the night will be pleased to hear that within a couple of weeks the Fat Cat will be serving beverages until 12.00am on Fridays and Saturdays. Whilst this move is unlikely to cheer the Cat Crew’s long suffering wives/girlfriends/boyfriends/Playstations, we feel it may strike a better chord with the general public. So please come along and enjoy yourself for an extra hour. Or don’t and we can all get some sleep. Up to you.
Also in the near future, a big charity push is coming up! In order to raise money for the Big C (The cancer charity, not the Sesame Steet sponsoring letter), a young lad by the name of Gethin Davison is going to Peru, and raising several thousand pounds for charity. In the spirit of giving, ten pence will be donated for every pint of Fat Cat Beer purchased. So the more you drink, the quicker a boy gets sent to Peru, and the sooner cancer is cured. This should be enough to convince anyone that actions can have strange consequences.
Recent visitors to the Fat Cat will have noticed a brief appearance from a new Fat Cat beer, Alley Cat. Like its feral namesake, it’s lively, cheeky, and a little bit naughty. Destined to make a reappearance soon, and sure to become a firm favourite. Let us know what you think.
Finally, on Monday we bid another fond farewell to Russell, as he returns to Thailand on his regular intercontinental jaunt. With Watford’s skin-of-their-teeth victory (sorry Russell, I mean convincing demolition) over local rivals L*ton, together with his anticipation of another holiday of sun, sand and, er, socialising, he’s been nearly unbearable anyway, but tears will, doubtless, still flow. Feel free to pop in and wish him well. Peace out.
December 1st 2005
Christmas is coming; Polypins 'n' that; Please order swiftly from the old Fat Cat;
If you can't drink a polypin; A tappit will do; If you struggle with a tappit, then God bless the four pint jug! (okay, so it doesn't rhyme, but you get the idea, don't you?)
Yes, the festive season is upon us once more. All those who like to drink Fat Cat quality beer, at home over the Christmas & New Year period be warned - orders are being taken now, for collection in three weeks time. Not all of our usual range will be available, so we recommend you pop in for a swift half and collect an order form.
Don't forget, we offer two types of polypin. The 'bright' version is ideal for office Christmas parties and suchlike, as it requires no settling time. The alternative is a 'live' beer which will need to sit for 48 hours prior to serving, but has the advantage of keeping fresh for a month. Big Chris usually has a polypin which he starts the week before Christmas and finishes off, with the last of the turkey sandwiches, around the end of January!
Tip from Colin - eight out of ten Santas, who expressed a preference, chose Black Cat Stout to rinse down their mince pie (the other two drank Santa Paws at 7% abv and fell off the sleigh!).
November 21st 2005
By now, many of you will be aware that the laws concerning public house opening times are changing. As we know by now, this will lead to drunken carousing at all hours of the night, rioting on the streets, and a general breakdown of society. Stll, at least it should make Scottish Chris feel at home. The Fat Cat has no wish to fuel the degeneracy of this great island nation, and as such business will continue as normal. However, we will keep this policy under constant review; we’ll keep you informed of any changes.
And there’s good news from those fine fellows at the Fat Cat Brewery. The next beer to join our Fat Cat family will be a Stout, imaginatively titled ‘Black Cat’. This cheeky little number comes in at a cockle-warming 4.6%, and is sure to make those cold winter days slip by as effortlessly as soap on greased-up ice, and a good deal less messily too. Some of you may have had the chance to try it already at the test brew stage; it’ll be coming soon and available for all to try1 at their leisure.
Is your life missing something? Are you finding your job in high finance or international espionage is getting a little, well, humdrum? Then why not apply to become a member of the Cat Crew? This dynamic group of fun-loving beer fiends are always looking for new members. Only the talented, hard-working and beautiful need apply. Seriously, we need to balance out the ones we’ve already got. Still interested? Then e-mail us or, even better, drop in for a chat. You won’t regret it2.
[2] Not guaranteed.
Congratulations, this week, go to Norwich and Watford, for
their
joint efforts in rising above their respective deadly enemies (L*t*n
and Ips**t). Much rejoicing was to be seen behind the bar on
Tuesday as the football warriors, Russell & Big Chris,
celebrated
their mutual triumph! Let's hope this continues for the rest of the
season - with both teams achieving automatic promotion (Russ &
Chris will have to fight for the honour of top dog at the Fat Cat!).
October 19th 2005
Friday 21st of October sees not one, but TWO momentous occasions take place, both of which can be celebrated at The Fat Cat. Firstly, we are launching our third beer from the Fat Cat Brewery - a medium-coloured, autumnal brew, to be called Mad Cat - with the first pint being ceremoniously pulled by Simon Reynolds at around 4.30 pm. The lucky Mr. Reynolds was selected by our super-computer after becoming the 1000th person to narrowly avoid receiving a parking ticket whilst drinking in the Fat Cat whilst, simultaneously, getting away with telephoning his wife, to inform her that he'd been unavoidably detained at the office and wouldn't be home until midnight! The super-computer felt that the achievement of such a fortuitous coincidence deserved commemorating and rang Mr. Reynolds to advise him of his further good fortune. Unfortunately, the automated (and highly detailed) phone message was taken by Simon's wife - our prayers are with Simon as he recovers in hospital and we hope he'll soon be able to sit down once more (the goodwill, replacement mobile phone is in the post).
Secondly, we will be joining the country in celebrating the 200th anniversary of Lord Nelson's famous victory in the Battle of Trafalgar. You will be able to toast his Lordship's greatness with a variety of commemorative ales, the 'Daddy' of which is Spectrum Brewery's BLINDER! at 8.5% - as the pump clip proudly proclaims 'England 22 - 0 France'. A full list of the beers can, as usual, be found on the beer pages of the website.
October 15th 2005
News, news… <chews pen nervously>. Well, both the Fat Cat Beers are now well established regulars throughout the Keatley Empire, and are proving a firm favourite among regulars and passers-by alike. If you still haven’t tried it, why not come down and do so, before every pub in the country is selling it to the exclusion of all other beers; by then it’ll just be boring.
October also brings us the 28th Norwich Beer Festival. From Monday 24th until Saturday 29th, you’ll have the opportunity to try over 200 beers from around the country. More importantly, vouchers will be made available entitling the proud holder to a half-pint of Fat Cat Bitter on your next visit to the Fat Cat or the Shed. However, please don’t go to the Beer Festival purely for your voucher; CAMRA work very hard to put together that festival, and you’ll just make them feel bad.
Also, if you have any suggestions regarding the website, the pub or the beers of the Fat Cat, please let us know through the ‘Contact Us’ section of this website. If you keep the suggestions nice, clean and constructive we’ll probably consider them. If you keep them nasty, obscene and destructive we’ll probably still consider them, but not let you join in.
September 8th 2005
As regular visitors to the Fat Cat are surely aware, the Keatleys are back in Blighty, bringing tales from the Orient of intrigue, excitement and, well, drinking. The Cat Crew are, of course, delighted to have their masters in charge once more, and would like to thank the customers for their complicity in not telling Colin about the incident with the ducks and the flamethrower.
Moving on (although I feel that those present at the incident will never truly be able to move on), The Fat Cat Brewery is now in full swing. A range of test beers are available at the Fat Cat this week, and the opinion of our esteemed customers is being sought out. So, why not come in and let us know what you think of our new brews. After all, if people vote for such trifling matters as which C-list celebrity they most want to throw out of a jungle, and even on who should form the Government of the day, why not vote on a truly important issue that could affect beer drinking for generations.
Finally, I’m sure everybody will be as stunned as we were to hear that the Fat Cat has been voted the third best pub in Britain. Yes, third. According to the Morning Advertiser there are two better pubs in Britain. We are unable to confirm this, as Colin doesn’t let us out much, but we Cat Crew find that difficult to believe. I mean, we try really, really hard. Stll, it doesn’t matter too much, as the two pubs in question are in London, and if what Colin tells us about that place is true, you wouldn’t want to go there. No, stay here in Norwich. There’s nothing in the outside world of interest to any of us. Thank you for your time.
August 18th 2005
Those who have visited the Fat Cat recently may have noticed a sense of anarchy pervading the establishment. If the bar towels seem less straight than usual or the part of the bar near the cellar hatch seems less maniacally polished, that’s because Colin and Marjie are off to Thailand.
Apparently, Colin has so much faith in the initiative and decision-making abilities of all his senior members of staff (at this point Colin Keatley developed a severe cough that we all hope he got checked out before going abroad), that it didn’t seem fair to put one of them in charge. Therefore for the period of his absence, all major decisions are to be taken by a magic eight-ball, only to operated by a specially trained monkey (still, at least he really does work for peanuts).
The Keatleys' itinerary is commendably vague, but a spokesman for the Thai Department for Environmental Health said that they were familiar with Colin’s near-psychotic approach to bar cleanliness, and were looking forward to seeing it in person, as the training videos simply don’t do him justice. I’m sure we’d all like to wish them a safe trip, and details of their return will be posted soon, for those who would like to toast their return – the monkey is certainly looking forward to a break.
In other news, with the start of the season, football fever has returned! The Cat Crew, who are always ones for catching a fever when there’s work to be done, have been swept away with the rest of the nation, and Russell is more than keen to talk about Watford’s 3-1 demolition of Cardiff City, whereas Scottish Chris is positively apoplectic about Aberdeen ending their seven-and-a-half years without beating bogey team Glasgow Rangers. Concerning Norwich, Chris Riches was not available for comment.
July 16th 2005
Hello, faithful reader.
I just thought you might be interested to know where Russell's been.
The answer, according to Russell, is 'All over South-East Asia -
especially the bits with young women trying
to take my money
and succeeding
in taking my passport!'
After
'The great sunglasses debacle' that was Bangkok, Russell flew to Phuket
- meeting up with one of the baker boys (Ian) - before revisiting Koh
Phi Phi, which he last saw a couple of days before the tsunami altered
the landscape.
He moved on to Macau, where a gaggle of pre-pubescent Chinese girls
attempted to relieve him of his easily-earned dosh, in return for a
'massage'.
Having resisted their advances (in the lift, the corridor, his room
and, ultimately, his bedroom (via telephone I hasten to add), Russell
was able to visit Hong Kong before returning to Macau to catch his next
flight, to the Phillipines.
This
was to be the start of a great adventure. Russell landed at a US
airforce base, skint, with no cash machine. A tortuous taxi ride
followed, taking in several circuits of Manila, ending with Russell
dumped at his hotel nearly three hours later!
Having spent the next couple of days emptying the hotel bar of alcohol,
Russell was ready to climb a volcano (well, you would be, wouldn't
you?). He took the light rail transport to Angeles (conveniently
situated near said volcano) and tried to book into an hotel.
The only problem was his passport, or lack of passport to be precise!
It transpired that Russell's pocket was picked, on the train, and he
had no option but to visit the British Embassy to obtain another.
After a day of fun-filled laughter (far too involved to be described in
this brief report) Russell's application was dealt with smoothly and
efficiently (apart from the misunderstanding over attempting to bribe
an embassy official!).
Russell now had merely to complete immigration procedures and his trip
could continue.
Unfortunately,
the immigration department had no record of his entry to the
Phillipines and another day was lost in pursuit of the required rubber
stamp in Russell's freshly procured passport!
At last Russell could set off to climb his volcano - alas he was into
his final day before having to fly back to Bangkok and thence home to
dear old Blighty.
When last we heard, he was still climbing, whilst hoping the bus back
to the airport didn't break down - again!
Russell is due back behind the bar on Thursday, 21st July, why not call
in to see if he makes it, or not?
July 2nd 2005
Well
now, boys and girls, we'd better kick this section off with a
round-up of all the BIG Fat Cat stories to excite the headline writers
since the start of 2005! Hopefully we can manage some regular updates,
now that the site is nearly 100% live. Whilst most of this first post
will be factual and informative, we can always find room for some light
relief, so long as we can find a flimsy excuse to make it Fat Cat
relevant.
What a start to the year we had - CAMRA National Pub of the Year, again!
To say we were all thrilled to bits would be like saying 'real ale is
nice', an understatement of breathtaking proportions! As you may
imagine, business has been fairly hectic for the past 6 months,
although some normality is returning (fewer coach parties this past
month!).
To add to the fun, Colin & Marjie bought a new pub - The
Wherry, on
Sprowston Road - to renovate. Once again, Willy Moles' creative juices
have bubbled forth - the man has an inexhaustible wellspring of design
ideas, to rival anything Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen could conjure up! The
reborn 'Shed'
opened in May and has quickly gained a hardcore of regulars, who enjoy
the presence of a true ale house in the north of the city. One of the
main differences between our two pubs is the full entertainments
license at The Shed — you can subscribe to a monthly
newsletter, giving details of forthcoming
gigs on The Shed's website.
The Fat Cat Brewing Company also makes its home at The Shed. Whilst
there have been a few design and construction teething troubles, it is
now hoped that brewing will commence before the end of July —
WATCH
THIS SPACE (I've been dying to say that).
Cheers!
Chris